I have spent most of this season begging for an episode where all the girls hang out together, and we finally get one, and this is what we get? Is this some cosmic joke? Have I done something to displease the gods of TV? We were getting along so well with the Missi Pyle thing! Alas, though our foursome is together for most of this episode, it is the most lifeless yet. Ostensibly, thanks to Kacey’s “The Good Partner Test,” which is passed down to all the women in their families. Don’t get too excited; said test is an expansion on the Orange Test, a concept brought to us by TikTok early last year. Stolen concept or not, the rest of the roomies agree that they should all run the test on the guys they are seeing. But, of course, Whitney has soccer practice. I was about to tear my hair out in frustration, but thankfully, the rest of the girls have noticed she is no longer hanging out with them, and they convince her to skip practice for the boyfriend tests.
Arvind is up first, and I cannot get over the fact that the rest of them don’t even try to pretend they are hanging out. He comes over ready for movie night but instead just gets tasks. I know he’s supposed to be a bit of a drip, but who would really settle for this hang? Kacey, Kimberly, and Whitney are sitting silently on the couch, watching as Bela asks him to do stuff. I don’t think I need to say that Arvind peels the orange, arranges the pieces into a dolphin shape, and removes the pith, because isn’t that what we all expect from Arvind? Her roommates watch while very obviously giving her a thumbs-up and barely speaking, and it is so unfun to watch! Probably because it isn’t really telling me anything new about any of these characters! I am here for silly sitcom high jinks that only make sense in-universe. I mean, I have watched every episode of Cougar Town multiple times. It’s just that this whole scene is so far removed from reality that the only test I want to administer is the Turing test.
Kacey and Kimberly have a light moment of bonding about wanting their future partner to bond with their grandparents, and then Cooper is up. What this man does to this poor, defenseless orange is quite possibly a crime in many states! Shout-out to the sound team, though; that orange was mic’d! But he passes the heretofore-unknown-to-me “Coaster Test,” wherein he is denied a coaster and the table is covered with traps! Would he dare set his drink on the American flag? Or a picture of Kacey’s grandmother? He dare not! He holds it awkwardly while the girls “go to the powder room,” and it turns into a spy drama for about four minutes. There is some knockoff Ocean’s Eleven music as they send in “Whitney’s hot, wet teammate,” who needs to change and will be doing so in the center of the living room in front of a stranger. Go off, girl! Cooper refuses to look. It is a weird scene, and no one seems to be having fun. Are you? I am not!
Whitney is understandably hesitant about inviting Isaiah over for the test but doesn’t confess the real reason yet. She decides that she is curious if he likes the real Whitney, not just the perfect version of herself she shows him. But when he arrives, she basically whips an orange at his head and is like, “Peel it, bitch,” and he clearly thinks she is a real Rudy Huxtable, tossing it back at her with a dismissive “I don’t work for you.” He does, of course, win over the room when he takes off his shirt to pass the “candle test,” which is apparently when someone sets off the fire alarm and a man takes his shirt off and fans the detector. The final straw is Whitney’s filthy room, which is so bad it needs a federal response. Isaiah is a cartoon drawing of dust; that is how fast he leaves their suite. Bela calls Whitney out for acting weird, wondering why she approached the test like she wanted Isaiah to fail. Backed into a corner, she confesses. She kissed someone else! She does not tell them it was Canaan, but she’s also sidetracked by Kacey’s immediate offense. The recently cheated on don’t love hearing stories about cheating! I am on Whitney’s side. She and Isaiah have been together for about four seconds and she clearly hates him. I am slightly side-eying her kiss confession, but I suppose it’s possible that you would go to your ex’s house at night and JUST kiss … but okay.
Brian walks in, sees the setup, and knows what he’s in for. He loves tests and is down to answer their questions all day. He passes with flying colors despite the fact they are in such an early couples stage. Kimberly: “I haven’t texted you back in eight hours; do you call my friends or the police?” Brian: “Neither. I know you are at the library finishing homework, and that place has the worst reception on campus.” Gagged me a little bit! The final question — what would your ex say about you — he flips back to them. They admit various relationship crimes, from going through phones (Whitney) to “celebrity impressions during … and celebrity impressions after” (Bela, relatable). After Brian leaves, Whitney springs a final surprise guest on them: Canaan! He passes because … of course he does; they have had impeccable chemistry forever! Sure, he makes a little fun of her about the orange thing, but he is very sweet about her filthy room, braving the mess to rescue his hoodie. The biggest thing is, of course, that Whitney just likes spending time with him.
After all their men leave, Whitney and Kacey make up, Kimberly hits up Brian, and Bela rushes to Arvind. He is the best person she has ever dated, she thinks, and I start timing how long it takes to get the thing that makes Arvind less perfect. In less than 30 seconds, Arvind tells her he’s slept with two people, and Bela tells him her (perfectly reasonable) number is 20. He yelps, “TWENTY?!” and then starts reading Proust. I am a little surprised Bela doesn’t call him on this, because you can see her understanding why this is happening, but she doesn’t! Whitney, in the most beautiful sweater I have ever seen, texts Canaan a photo of her clean room, pleased as punch (who says that?) when he says it’s the sexiest thing she’s ever sent. Then, her coach texts her to yell about missing practice. My are fingers crossed for … anything to happen on that front in the next two episodes! Finally, Kacey goes to see Calvin. She wants to know why he cheated and what was wrong with her. Nothing, of course. Cheating is so rarely about the other person, and Calvin, for all his faults, is at least able to fess up to that. He is still a dick because he can’t stop himself from saying that waiting to have sex was hard and basically blaming their mutual promise for his cheating. Naturally, this episode wraps with Kacey texting Cooper that she’s ready for sex … but is she? I don’t think she means it, folks! We’ve got two episodes left, and I promise we will make it through together!
Office Hours
• I am hugely thrilled that Taylor didn’t manage to wheedle her way into this despite her presence with Ash at the start of the episode. I guess she and Ash are dating? Okay?
• We desperately needed Lila in this episode.
