The real battles start now.
There are plenty of perfectly reasonable, considered, and analytic ways of evaluating the matchups that will eventually lead to the Super Bowl. Not this time. Not on this URL located on the World Wide Web.
We need to evaluate these NFL Playoffs only using the sweet science of combat. Who would reign supreme if we removed the 53 players from each team and left each game up to one-on-one gladiatorial combat between mascots?
It’s really unfair, but the Texans get a bye in this round. The Chargers are one of only four NFL teams who don’t have a mascot, and I’m not skirting the rules by allowing in Boltman. Firstly, Boltman is unofficial — and he hasn’t really been tied to the team since they left San Diego.
Toro the bull wins by default. But we’re going to discuss the problems with you later, Toro.
Houston Texans win.
We’re back to the third matchup between these teams this season, but the first to be settled by mascot death match. This is a tough one to call. On the one hand, you have Steely McBeam, champion of the working class, someone who will be there for you at a moment’s notice.
If this were any human vs. human contest in the NFL, I’m picking Steely. This is a guy who has killed before and buried the bodies under the foundations of a construction site.
Unfortunately, he’s up against this.
Baltimore is not getting all three ravens for the purposes of fairness. Even so, Poe alone is terrifying. I don’t think people appreciate how scary a raven can be, let alone one the size of a human with a three-foot-long beak. Humans naturally freak out when a sparrow comes down their chimney, let alone this monstrosity. He is going to tear poor Mr. McBeam apart.
Baltimore Ravens win
This is where things get difficult. We have two animals who naturally enjoy working in a stampede situation, and to this end, you would have to give the rub to a Buffalo demolishing a horse.
However, we’re not talking buffalo vs. horse, we’re talking about Billy Buffalo ...
vs. Miles.
There has never been an animal mascot more inherently evil than Miles. Miles is to horses what Pennywise is to clowns. Miles fights for fun on the weekend in underground fight clubs.
Billy Buffalo isn’t ready for this smoke. He’s just too kind and gentle.
Denver Broncos win.
We get a bye in the NFC as well, with Green Bay being another team without a mascot. Unofficial mascots don’t count in the buttoned-up world of the NFL. If the shield can’t make money off it, then it doesn’t count. I don’t make the rules ... well, I very specifically do make the rules here and I’m banning unofficial mascots.
Swoop wins by default.
Philadelphia Eagles win.
This is our first fight, in which both competitors carry military rank. Suiting up for Washington we have the anthropomorphic pig solider Major Tuddy.
Against the dread pirate, Captain Fear.
I might be in the minority, but I don’t think a pirate is all that scary. They excelled in surprise tactics, seizing ships, and psychological warfare. All of these would be moot against a pig with an army background.
Major Tuddy has a huge mass advantage, and Captain Fear’s sword is for show. I think the army pig wins this one pretty handily.
This is the horn-headed matchup — but here’s the rub: There’s no historical evidence that vikings ever actually wore horned helmets. This was something invented in the 1800s in art and opera.
That makes Viktor the Vikings a bit of a poser. A poser in Zubaz no less.
Viktor is about as scary as a viking at the Eurovision Song Contest, and as a result has no chance of standing up to an angry, human-sized ram like Rampage.
Rams are underestimated as well. If you’ve ever been fake-charged by a ram you know it’s terrifying. I see Rampage charging Viktor, taking out his legs, then feasting on his supine body.
Los Angeles Rams win.
We’ll decide these matchups next week.
