There’s a lot to feel wary about in 2025. Basic human rights are on the chopping block; climate change has tightened its grip around the planet; and Katy Perry continues to threaten the world with new music. But we can always count on movies, right?
Year after year, Hollywood fulfills its promise of delivering original, thoughtful entertainment, unconstrained by corporate greed and guided by visionary ideals … Right? Wrong. 2025 will be another hot mess. Here are some expert, realistic, and definitely not unhinged predictions for the world of film in 2024. They are based on science.
2025 will be the year that Oscar prognosticators realize that they operate within a vacuum and that the only people religiously following their predictions are themselves. Your Aunt Martha does not care if Demi Moore is the “dark horse contender” pulling off a “last minute push with the Oscar voting body” in a “breathless,” “neck-and-neck,” “once-in-a-lifetime Oscar race.” For all your Aunt Martha knows, Demi Moore is sitting in her living room right now eating Jolly Ranchers and telling her cat not to puke on her shirt.
After the muted box office performance of Mufasa, Disney finally realizes that people don’t want to see live action versions of their favorite characters moving their mouths like they’re poorly dubbed characters in Squid Game. On the other hand, money is money, and untested IP just doesn’t sell anymore, so Disney greenlights a three-hour origin story about Mayhem as he conquers his inner demons and defeats a 200-foot tsunami with the power of microinsurance.
Taking a hint from the massive box office performance of Deadpool & Wolverine, more and more movies will discount plot, character development, conflict, and setting in the name of branding opportunities and fan service. In response, audiences will learn not even to expect plot anymore, and every new movie will feel like a Darren Aronofsky deep cut, but one that contains focus group-approved IP and references to five-year-old YouTube videos. When one movie finally breaks the mold and introduces a “story,” audiences will violently riot, give the movie a 5% Audience Score on Rotten Tomatoes, and hold the studio head’s daughter for ransom until the Zack Snyder cut is released.
The first Wicked press tour is already considered a pivotal historical event by many members of the deep state. Even now, Wikipedia writers continue to analyze the sheer multitude of memes, clickbait headlines, and OK! Magazine covers that have been generated by this era-defining PR event. The revelation of Ariana Grande not believing the Moon Landing was real will ripple across generations. The phrase “holding space” will be used in our next negotiations with North Korea. But we are forgetting a crucial piece of information. There is a second Wicked movie coming out. Ariana and Cynthia will have to do this all again, and better, to get fans back in seats again in November. For this, they will need Jeff Goldblum, who will talk at length about his desire for a polyamorous octuple involving Julianne Moore, Laura Dern, both of the Property Brothers, and Nancy Pelosi. Ariana will empathetically grab onto his toe. The movie will make one billion dollars.
Experts are already predicting that Robert Downey Jr. ‘s $100 million role as Doctor Doom in the upcoming Avengers movies will put more butts in seats than Kane ever could have. Extrapolating from this, Marvel will realize that they may as well just double down on what already works, and thus will recast the entire group of original Avengers in supporting roles. Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, and Jeremy Renner will star as the “Doom Daddies,” a group of aging yet handsome villains who are slightly less smart and villainous than Doctor Doom, yet who are still here for a good time. Scarlett Johansson will turn down a role in the movie via a WhatsApp call from her tax haven in French Polynesia. The MCU will collapse.
