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If there's one aspect of parenthood I don't think I ever saw coming, it's the loneliness. After all, wasn't I embarking on a journey millions of people had traversed before me? If anything, shouldn't I be overwhelmed by others walking the same path and experiencing the same experiences?
But instead of being surrounded by like-minded people overcoming similar challenges, the long road of parenthood often felt shockingly deserted. The promised "village" failed to appear when I needed it most, and living away from all of my relatives meant even family support was limited.
Even when I made other "mom friends," finding time to connect and support each other became increasingly difficult amid the tall task of simply making it through the day.
Then, one simple thing changed how I felt during those lonely days.
It's an unfortunate truth that isolation and loneliness seem to have become hallmarks of modern parenthood. While our ancestors boasted the benefits of the community that it apparently requires to raise a child, parents today too often find themselves struggling in a vacuum, unsure if it's just them but nearly certain they're probably doing it wrong.
As a result, most of us can agree that this isn't the parenthood nature intended. So, it should come as no surprise that a simple solution can be borrowed from the natural world: pebbling.
If you haven't heard of it, "pebbling" is a term in psychology that describes the act of sharing small tokens of affection with someone to build a connection. Inspired by the mating behaviors of birds like penguins, who bestow their love interests with small items like rocks and other trinkets. As for the actual "pebble," a tangible gift is in no way required, and most modern examples are usually digital, such as short-form videos, online quotes, and other social media memes.
A fellow mother and close friend of mine and I started pebbling each other with reels and TikToks encapsulating some of the more maddening aspects of life and motherhood, firing off a handful of links throughout the day designed to make each other laugh or simply feel validated that it wasn't just us.
Within just a few weeks, I noticed a decisive shift in my feelings throughout the day. When I experienced a particularly challenging day with my kids, all it would take was a ping from my phone and a link from my friend to instantly lift my mood and provide some much-needed perspective on whatever I was dealing with.
It didn't minimize or distract from what I was going through, and it didn't force any toxic positivity — it just reminded me that despite literally being in my house with no one to witness my struggles, I was not alone.
Pebbling works for a number of reasons. For one, it's quick. Instead of struggling to find a matching gap in our schedules and then making plans for our families so we can escape for an hour over a meal out we probably shouldn't be spending money on right now, connections can happen in a matter of seconds with zero planning or cost ― while we simultaneously wrangle a fussy baby, fold a mountain of laundry, or get dinner on the table.
Despite its quickness, though, the thought behind pebbling is anything but shallow. Whenever we send a link, it says, "I saw this and thought of you." Or, "This seemed like something you would like, and I like making you happy." Or, "This reminded me of that thing you mentioned that one time that I remember because I care about the things you say." Or, "I'm struggling with this and sharing it with you makes it feel a little less heavy."
This leads to another benefit of pebbling: it can help you open up about something you're not sure how to talk about yet. It can be a quiet cry for help or crack the door on a vulnerable topic you don't know how to discuss but need to share with someone. (Also known as sending a TikTok with the caption, "LOL so me right now.")
But, of course, pebbles aren't always about the heavy stuff. Sometimes, it's a funny animal or baby video, a clever time-saving cleaning hack, or Kelly Clarkson crushing her latest cover song. Sometimes, the point of the pebble is simply to share a moment of joy with someone who likes the same things you do.
The thing about pebbling is that it doesn't solve the problem. We are still drowning under waves of invisible labor, still struggling to connect with our partners over issues unique to our personal trauma and experience, and still feeling overwhelmed with the state of the world and our place in it.
The difference is that now, instead of facing these issues alone, someone is making eye contact with us and letting us know we're not alone in it.
My friends and I might not always be able to make time for in-person connections, but pebbling allows us to send out tiny lifelines throughout the day, reminding each other that she is seen and appreciated by someone who really gets it.
Not bad for a little pebble.
