Dear Eric: I’ve been in a relationship with a man for seven years. We’ve lived together for about six years and also have a child together.
I pay for everything – and I mean everything – which is annoying. But the worst is that my partner always uses the last of something, even stuff that exclusively belongs to me. It makes me extremely frustrated and just flat-out angry.
Whenever I confront him about it, he admits to taking the last of whatever it is, says sorry and that’s it. He also just leaves the empty container behind and has never ever once replaced something.
I literally cannot take it anymore.
I have tried everything to get him to, at least, let me know when he uses the last of something, so that I can replace it before I need or want it. But he never even does that.
I know this may seem trivial to some people, but it’s a huge pet peeve for me. Every time it happens – which is every day – I feel myself getting that much closer to just breaking up with him.
Is there any way I can get him to stop doing this? Or do you think that maybe I’m in the wrong here?
– Empty Box
Dear Empty Box: Oh, the pain of going to the cookie jar or snack pack, heart set on a treat, and finding only air. It’s like a papercut – not the worst thing, by far, but wow does it sting.
You can do things like leaving reminder notes – “if you take this, tell me” – or even stashing one of everything you want in a secret place. But I don’t think that’s going to solve the core issue.
You’re rightfully frustrated, but I wonder how much of this frustration is about your partner’s very annoying habit and how much is about the imbalance in your relationship. Why do you pay for everything? Why do you have to be the one to replace things? It’s easy to see how your partner’s actions could lead you to feel unvalued or even taken advantage of.
This warrants a state-of-the-relationship conversation. And we’re not just talking about the pantry. Inventory the whole household.
Where are you not feeling supported? What are the things that once worked for the two of you that no longer work for you? And what are you two going to do to fix them?
He may reach into the box of solutions and come up empty, or he may not have a desire to meaningfully change. That could be all the answer you need.
Dear Eric: My wife and I have a fair number of friend groups. We enjoy social gatherings, especially dinners out, with all the groups. But only one or two of the couples ask us out as much as we ask them.
The majority of the other couples only seem to go out with us when we initiate it, although they seem to go out frequently with other mutual friends.
We’re certain they enjoy our company as much as we enjoy theirs and they readily accept our invitations when available, but we feel we’d never hear from them unless we initiate the contact. I don’t think we’re insecure, but it verges on annoying, and we’re tempted to constructively confront some of the couples (one or two of them) about this one-sidedness. Is there a diplomatic way to do this or should we just let it go and wait indefinitely for them to ask us out?
– Socially Perplexed
Dear Perplexed: Something simple but direct like “we like spending time with you, and it would mean a lot if you initiated plans next time” can start the conversation.
Some people just aren’t initiators. At other times, friends can fall into patterns that put a burden on one side. If you’re always initiating, they may think of you as the de facto planners and initiating may not cross their minds. Proactivity can be coached, even if you have to be the ones to initiate the conversation in the first place.
Dear Eric: To “Manners,” who is frustrated when her husband holds the door for everyone, there is another way.
I also hold the door for my wife and all in our party. However, once we are all through, I’ll walk through the door but keep it open behind me for a few seconds so the next group can follow along. The main point is to avoid being discourteous of the people behind us by letting the door close in their respective faces.
– Fellow Door Holder
Dear Door Holder: An elegant solution, and one I think (hope) many people employ. This allows the letter writer and her husband to stay together while entering and helps the husband to extend courtesy to others.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
