Not all heroes wear capes, and not all winners get trophies. One of the biggest winners to come out of the 82nd annual Golden Globes broadcast was its host, Nikki Glaser, who may not have won in her category (she was up for Best Comedy Special) but whose sharp monologue washed out the stink of last year’s ceremony. Throughout a very chaotic evening (what was with that presenter staging?), Glaser consistently delivered, occasionally popping up in a new outfit to deliver a new bit. Best and biggest of the bits began with her in a ridiculous costume blending Glinda and the pope, singing an unholy Wicked x Conclave parody song. “You will be … pope-ular! You’re gonna be pope-u-lar. I’ll teach you some Catholic prayers,” she sang, before getting “interrupted” by a fake stage note in her earpiece and turning away from the audience. “I’m sorry, what? Wait, this sucks? This whole thing sucks? I’m embarrassing myself in front of Elton John?”
Good one! She got us!
Except … some of us were ready to actually go along with a good old-fashioned corny Billy Crystal–style musical parody. Look at Ariana Grande’s face in the audience when Glaser says the part about how this bit sucks. Dismay! As a gift to Ariana Grande, and because this will be stuck in Vulture writers’ heads all night if I don’t get it out on paper now, I regretfully present you with: “Pope-ular.”
Pope-ular
You’re gonna be pope-u-lar
I’ll teach you the proper puns
When you talk to nuns
Little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh!
I’ll show you what robes to wear
How to fix your hair
Everything that really counts to be pope-ular
I’ll help you be pope-u-lar
You’ll hang with your acolytes
You’ll be good at rites
Know the prayers you’ve got to know
So let’s start!
Cause you’ve got to beat Tedesco
Don’t be offended by my frank analysis
Think of it as personality hypostasis
Now that I’ve chosen to become a pal, a sis …
… ter (or a brother)
There’s no-body other
Not when it comes to …
Pope-ular
I know about pope-u-lar
And with an assist from me to the papacy
Instead of dreary where you were
(Well, are)
You’re gonna do a vape pull
For becoming papal
-Ler
-Lar
Alleluiaaaaaaaa
Aaaaaaaaa
We’re gonna make you
Pope
U
Lar
When I see depressing Catholics
With their lame Nespress-ing gadgets
I remind them on their own behalf
To
Think
Of
Celebrated heads of church
Or unbesmirched conclaviators
Did they have brains or knowledge?
Don’t make me laugh!
They were pope-ular?
RIGHT!
It’s all about pope-u-lar
It’s not about aptitude
It’s the way you’re viewed
So it’s very shrewd to be
Very very pope-ular
Like
Bellini
Why Miss Cardinal Thomas Lawrence!
Look at you … You’re beautiful!
(Ralph Fiennes: I have to go …)
You’re welcome!
And though you protest
That he’s intersex …
I know clandestinely
You’re gonna grin and bear it
Your newfound pope-u-larity
Alleluiaaaaaaa
Aaaaaa
You’ll be pope-u-lar
Just not
Quite as pope-u-lar
As Beniiiiiii
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