Dear Ismael,
I am getting annoyed with always having to host during gatherings and holidays for my husband’s friends and family.
For example, this Thanksgiving he invited all of them over. He will ask me if it's OK but after the fact he invited them. It usually goes something like this: “My family is coming over for Thanksgiving, is that cool?” I have responded by saying, “Well, you already invited them, am I supposed to say no?”
I don’t think it's fair that my home is always the place to hold gatherings. I have also made comments saying it's someone else’s turn to host, yet it never happens. What can I do in situations like this?
— Annoyed Host in Bucktown
Dear Annoyed Host,
I'm with you. Those nice and considerate gestures from your husband can turn into unpleasant inconveniences, especially when it's a common occurrence you've mentioned you don't appreciate.
There's a few things to address here before things get worse, starting with having a serious talk with your husband and planting the seed with those comfortable and regular guests about the next gatherings taking place somewhere else. Because even with the heavy season of hosting that is the holidays being behind us, you now have a target on your back.
You are on a slippery slope toward friends and family beginning to assume your home is at the top of the list for the next celebration. It's part of a social phenomenon most of us are familiar with and try our best to avoid.
It happens when people notice instances of a kind person offering their available time and resources to get others out of a struggle. Then it's assumed that, going forward, they are the go-to person the next time there's a similar need. Like when your boss asks you to work an extra shift (again) because you've volunteered in the past. Or accidentally becoming the co-worker people ask for a ride home because you always say yes — or feel bad saying no, which might be what's happening with your husband.
To get out of this unwanted role, you have to make it clear and say, "I ain't the one."
No worries, there's no need to remove your "welcome" mat and get hostile. It's possible to do it in a friendly and mature way. You will just need to consult with the parties involved and ask: "What is the occasion or need, and what are our options to reach a solution that works for all of us?"
However, before gently confronting your loyal regulars, you have to get to the root of the problem that's putting you in this position in the first place: your husband.
You need to figure out why he feels the need to volunteer your home, and help him out of that cycle and behavior, while also letting him know how it affects you, too.
Try keeping your house off the scent of friends and family for a couple of months by being booked with valid excuses (even if they are white lies), such as you not feeling well or maybe you're hosting family coming in from out of town. That should force them to start naming other options where they can host those gatherings.
If your husband is a chronic people pleaser, that will show him how easy it is for those guests to find a substitution.
Most importantly, he needs to realize it's not only his space he's offering up, it's yours, too. And while there may be times where having people over is totally fine, he shouldn't take the liberty of believing you'll be OK with it. Doing now and apologizing later is only cute the first couple of times.
The person he should try to keep happy is you — his wife and roommate.
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