DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together for 16 years and have what I consider to be a happy marriage.
My question concerns ongoing conversations we have been having about my hair color. The first couple of years we were together, my hair was gray, and then I dyed it red. While I know he loved it, I did it for one reason: I wanted to avoid aging myself unnecessarily in the workplace. My husband knew this.
Two years ago, now retired, I decided to stop coloring my hair. Since then, he continually mentions that he wants me to return to red hair. I have told him repeatedly that I’m unwilling to do that.
He says he loved me so much when I was a redhead (does that mean he loves me less now?) and that my “going gray” has made him feel old.
I am dismayed and annoyed by his continuing campaign to have me color my hair again, and I have said so. He even brings it up in front of our friends, which feels to me as though he’s trying to gather outside support for his argument. I like my gray hair.
It saddens me that my husband finds me less attractive or that my gray hair may be the reason he “feels old,” but I wonder why my hair color choice bears that burden of responsibility.
Isn’t it rightfully my choice? I wouldn’t dream of directing him about how to wear his hair. Your thoughts?
— SILVER GIRL IN NEW YORK
DEAR GIRL: This shouldn’t be a power struggle, which it appears it has turned into.
Yes, your hair color is your choice, and rightfully so.
Would wearing a red wig when your husband is feeling amorous be a workable compromise? If he “feels old” when he sees gray hair, perhaps coloring his own hair would make him feel younger.
DEAR ABBY: I have worked successfully in the creative arts most of my professional life. My problem? My spouse never misses an opportunity to denigrate my work.
If I show an unusual inspiration or spark of creativity which I am proud of, they instantly find fault and say it’s not a good or valid idea. It’s crushing! This could destroy our long and happy marriage.
It’s painful because I love my spouse in every way. I am always respectful and supportive of their professional work.
— NO VALIDATION IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO VALIDATION: Spouses are supposed to support each other. Is your spouse equally successful in their creative and work endeavors? If the answer is no, they may be jealous of, or threatened by, your success. They could also be insensitive about how their remarks affect you.
Have you asked your spouse why they are trashing your work? If you have and the response was unsatisfactory, a way to deal with this may be to tell your spouse you prefer that from now on, they keep their opinion to themself, and quit looking to them for validation.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
