SICK of the snoring, bickering and tossing and turning that had taken over the bedroom, writer Polly Harrison, 28, decided to jump on the latest TikTok trend to see if it could help improve her relationship with her husband.
Here’s how her sleep divorce worked out.
Barely four years into my marriage to Thomas, 30, there’s trouble in paradise – and it’s nocturnal.
We seem to be hitting a lot of friction when it comes to the bedroom, and not in the way you may think.
Constant fights for the duvet, clashing on whether we should have the window open, and even heated debates about when bedtime should be, have all added up to an environment that has made sleep a distant dream – marital bliss it is not.
Scrolling through TikTok one night, while I listened to Thomas snoring beside me (yes, another enormous bed bugbear), I came across the latest relationship hashtag to trend – #sleepdivorce.
It’s when a couple chooses to have separate beds, even bedrooms, to help improve their sleep quality. And, according to a study last year, a whopping 29% of us are opting to sleep separately from our partners.*
Even celebrities are jumping on the bandwagon, with Cameron Diaz revealing she and husband Benji Madden don’t co-sleep, Gwyneth Paltrow admitting she’s dabbled in it with Brad Falchuk, and Katherine Ryan revealing to Fabulous she and her husband plan to sleep apart until their kids are sleeping through.
My immediate reaction was that separate beds sounded old-fashioned, and surely if you’re even considering it, it means your relationship is in trouble.
But I also wondered if there was some truth to the trend, and if “splitting up” at night really is the key to a happy marriage during the day.
So, my husband and I resolved to give the trend a go to see if it could improve our relationship, or whether it would leave us on the rocks. Here’s how it went. . .
Spreading out starfish-style in our king-size bed, I smile broadly. Since we tied the knot last year, I’ve only slept apart from Thomas a couple of times, when I’ve been away for work or visiting friends, so I’ve never spent a night solo in our bed. And, dare I say it, but it’s bliss.
The room is an ideal temperature, I’m super-cosy with the perfect amount of duvet over my back and I’ve even got my white noise machine on, which Thomas usually grumbles about.
It is quite fun to say goodnight to each other, too – as we have a smooch on the landing before retiring to our separate rooms, it feels as if we are teenagers being torn apart!
Drifting off, I already know I’m going to sleep like a baby. So far, so good.
Three nights in, and we’ve already fallen off the wagon. Tonight, I find myself in bed tossing and turning, unable to drift off alone.
I’ve had a long, awful day at work that has left me frustrated and feeling rubbish, so in the early hours of the morning I tip-toe into the spare room to tuck myself in for a cuddle with Thomas.
Throughout our relationship, Thomas has been my rock, and when I’m having a bad day, he’s the only tonic that gets me out of that slump, so I’m not going to be too hard on myself for breaking the rules so early.
Even though we’re squeezed into the double bed usually reserved for guests, I don’t care.
I feel instantly better for a bit of affection, and I fall asleep in no time in his arms.
You need to be in the same room as someone to have sex with them, so intimacy is a major problem for couples who are going through a sleep divorce.
I’m not going to say we go at it like rabbits, but we tend to have sex at night or first thing in the morning, and after a week apart at night, I’m going a bit crazy in that department!
Tonight, we agree to a quickie in Thomas’ bed, before I retreat to the marital bedroom.
But, despite finding a loophole, not being able to fall asleep all tangled up together really ruins the mood – it feels like I was doing the walk of shame across our landing after a one-night stand, rather than actually making love with my husband.
We don’t really fight as a couple. Sure, we’ve had disagreements, but never ones that escalate to anything more than bickering.
So, maybe it’s the pent-up frustration of the sleep divorce, the lack of sex and the physical and emotional distance every night, that causes us to have a huge blowout this evening.
It is something incredibly mundane that sparks the row – whose turn it is to stack the dishwasher after dinner – but before I know it, we are properly arguing for the first time ever.
Heading off to separate rooms afterwards really upsets me. It makes it all feel so serious, like I’ve turfed him out to sleep on the sofa because I can’t stand to look at him, which isn’t the case at all.
But that’s really what it feels like.
I storm off to bed and shut the door, then immediately feel awful because I’m on my own. It is like we don’t have a chance to kiss and make up; instead, we just go to bed angry.
I’m sure we’ll make up in the morning, but until then, I’ll be lying awake fretting about whether this trial was a bad idea.
We get all dolled-up tonight and take ourselves off on a rare date night.
After an amazing dinner and plenty of drinks later, we stumble back home, ready to enjoy one last night spent sleeping solo.
After such a lovely evening together, there is a part of me that wants to say “sod it” and sleep in the same bed, as what’s the point of waiting one more night?
But we want to see the whole experiment through, so we tip-toe upstairs, share a kiss on the landing and head to our rooms, where I try to make the most of having my own space one last time.
I take off my make-up, change into my pyjamas, and snuggle down with a packet of Pringles and a series of New Girl, before eventually going to sleep in the early hours of the morning.
I have to admit, it is pretty great. I don’t obsess over missing Thomas, I just enjoy some time to myself.
I even put a face mask on – sleeping solo truly feels like self-care tonight. But my last thought as I nod off is that I can’t wait to see Thomas tomorrow.
If I’ve learned anything over the last two weeks, it’s that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. I’ve found myself craving time with my husband and cherishing being with him during the day.
Sure, it’s been nice to have some time to myself, and on the nights where I’ve enjoyed it, I’ve slept like a baby. But the nights where I’ve felt sad or lonely at the obvious empty space in my bed are enough to put me off the idea of permanently separate rooms.
I have learned, though, there are benefits to the odd night slumbering solo, and it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. So, perhaps going forward, we’ll dip in and out of sleep divorce when we feel like it, for the quality Zzzs and not because there’s anything wrong in our relationship.
I love Thomas, and I want to sleep with him, in every sense. So I’ll just have to deal with the snoring and duvet hogging, and he’ll have to get used to my white noise machine.
