DEAR ABBY: I have been an amateur astronomer for 25-plus years. I always go meteor watching as well as observe any celestial event. This year I invited my brother-in-law and his wife to watch a meteor shower with my husband and me. Since we both have campers, I reserved and paid the deposit for two camping sites at a nice location, close to some of the best night skies. The reservations were made more than a month ago.
My sister-in-law, who I dearly love and have been good friends with for more than 20 years, called me yesterday to let me know my BIL had invited three of their preteen granddaughters. Abby, I thought they understood it would be an adult event, as we'll be up half the night and traveling 30 minutes to get to the dark sky site. I do this every year.
I told my SIL that my BIL should've asked me first, since I invited them and made all the arrangements for this event. We talked on the phone for 90 minutes before I told her my BIL was wrong for not asking me first if it was OK.
Moments after we hung up, she texted me and said to cancel their reservation because they would not be attending. We are driving 90 miles to this campsite. They live 30 minutes from it. Was I wrong to tell her I should've been asked first, since I am the hostess for two days and nights? — STARRY-EYED IN THE WEST
DEAR STARRY-EYED: Your brother-in-law should not have invited anyone along without clearing it with you first. What they did may have been well-intentioned, but it was also rude. If any of those girls shows an interest in astronomy, in the future, you might choose to invite them for this kind of event. But their presence should not have been sprung on you the way it was.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for nearly 20 years. My mother-in-law has always been passive-aggressive, critical and mixing into our business. My husband never told her to stop because he never could stand up to her. Sadly, I didn't stand up for myself, either. I finally had it and cut her off to an extent.
My husband says he supports me but has never shown it. He now often speaks to her away from the house and lies to me about it. Since I stood up to her, he has also pulled back from me emotionally, which he was barely capable of before. She still mixes into every part of his life and gives him speeches like he's still her little child.
I am finished with this unhealthy dynamic. I insisted on therapy but have seen no change in him at all. He goes only because I force him. Have you any advice? — BURNED OUT IN NEW YORK
DEAR BURNED OUT: I agree that the dynamic you have described is unhealthy. It appears your husband is more bonded with his mother than he is with you. Do nothing on impulse or out of anger. If you are truly burned out, continue talking with your therapist to help you decide how to move forward.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
