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This year, my son left home for his first year of college. He is just over five hours away, so I knew I would only see him a few times a year.
I read so many blogs and articles, and I joined parent chats. I wanted to learn as much as possible to help my son transition to college. I wanted him to have success and be the best version of the person I knew he could be.
So many of the blogs I read were about students who leave home, and the parents do not hear from them for weeks. Their kids do not return texts, phone calls, or video calls. Their kids seemingly do not have time for them.
As I started packing my son to leave for school, this topic came up. As the time approached, I started to get stressed about the communication aspect. Would he call? Would he text? Would he video chat with me? What would life look like without my firstborn, my baby boy?
After much soul-searching, I presented him with an idea that both he and I were comfortable with. It was supplying a daily "proof of life."
The idea was that he would text me at least once a day. It could be as simple as a picture of his lunch so I would know he was alive and eating, or it could be a photo of something on his college campus that sparked his interest — like the white squirrels you can sometimes find.
It could also be a selfie of him with a friend or classmate. We also agreed that we would speak live, either on the phone or via video chat, once a week.
I explained that these are the bare minimum expectations, but he is welcome to call or text as much as he wants. I explained it is hard for me to be away from him, but I am so proud of him.
He agreed to all of this; it was reasonable and manageable. He knew he could communicate in a way he was comfortable with, and he did not feel like I was interfering in his life.
As a parent, I had to let him start to live his life. I just hoped that everything I taught him before leaving would help him be a good human and a good student.
This proof of life ended up looking like a morning text from me saying "good morning" and telling him to have a good day. I also wanted to make sure he was awake since he was always the kid who struggled to get up in the morning. He would typically respond to that text.
Other times, I would receive a photo of the salad he made at lunch or the chicken and waffles he made himself at the cafeteria. I received photos of sunsets — one of his favorite things to photograph. Other times, he would text me while he waited between classes, and we would text for 30 minutes to catch up. He would share what was going on in his life in greater detail.
My son and I have an incredible mother-son relationship, and it's continuing to evolve as he becomes an adult.
The best thing we did was set expectations so that I was not disappointed by his lack of involvement and he did not feel overwhelmed by my desire to be involved in his changing life.
The day I moved him into his dorm, my son walked me to the car. I hugged him tightly, shared a few words of wisdom, and started the car. I was crying behind my sunglasses and turned on the radio. "Don't You (Forget About Me)" by Simple Minds was playing.
I rolled down the window and turned it up so he could hear. He smiled and raised his fist. At that moment, I knew it would all be OK. And his daily check-ins confirmed just that.
