(When you are totally not broke at all.)
Can we create a new word for this “I-have-money-I’m-just-choosing-not-to-spend-it-in-this-way” phenomenon? Because we have a huge part of our generation who is likely going to live their entire financial life in negative dollars, and honestly, it’s just insulting at this point.
Good, friend, more Doritos Locos tacos for me. Rabid opossum-like glare.
Oh my goodness, are there any two words in the entire English language more offensive than “real job?” Because if your plan is to look at someone with that condescending-pity face and ask that question right after they get off a double shift waiting tables for tips while living at their parents’ house and trying to save enough money to make a dent in their student debt before moving out, you might as well just kick them directly in the heart.
As someone who has struggled with acne and rosacea all of her red-faced life, please don’t say this. It really does feel like God leaning down from the heavens and slapping you in the face personally, and there’s nothing you can say in response that doesn’t make you sound jealous and weird (even though you totally are both of those things). Appreciate your genetic lottery win, and at least pretend like you occasionally moisturize, for everyone’s sanity.
Same thing goes for this. No one wants to imagine you going through two sleeves of Nutter Butters as crumbs fall daintily onto your washboard stomach. No one needs that mental image.
Look, I don’t even love Beyoncé that much, but even I know that this statement is ridiculous. There is literally nothing about her that you can hate. At worst, you can only feel neutral toward her and impressed with her consistency and work ethic. Saying you hate her is just an exercise in petty contrarianism, and it’s not a good look on anyone.
What is someone supposed to say to this, exactly? Like, “Yes, I am dating this person that you clearly don’t approve of, thanks for reminding me that you think my relationship is some combination of beneath me and offensive to your taste level. I have many things to do with this new information!”
The one-upper. I can’t even. We’re all guilty of this from time to time, often without realizing it, but that’s really no excuse. Because—let’s be honest—there are few things worse than announcing some form of cool or good news and having someone swoop in to promptly ruin your sense of fulfillment. Whether it’s name-dropping someone more important that they know, or mentioning a more impressive thing that they did in the professional sphere, there is just no saving the quicksand of one-upping.
Right, because the rest of us are just sitting here in a suspended reality—not unlike those goo pods from The Matrix—waiting for you to descend into our realm and let us know when is good for brunch. No one has anything to do but you, and your level of busy far outweighs ours. You let us know when you are free.
Friend, we all know what that heavily emphasized “interesting” means, and it is not a synonym for cute.
(Said by the conventionally thin, attractive person.)
Can we all just say what we mean in this instance, please? “I know that I am in no way society’s definition of fat, or even chubby—but I am currently experiencing a mild lull in my compliment-receiving marathon, so I would like to renew that resource as efficiently as possible.”
Ooh, you got me, I have a crippling hangover. And nothing feels better when all the lights are too loud and your hair hurts than having some perky coworker who just got off a 20-mile mountain bike ride, or whatever the hell you people do, remind you that everyone can tell.
Nothing more satisfying than this trumpeting-angel-accompanied proclamation from high atop Mount Stable Couple, reminding you that in your struggle to find a decent date, all you have to do is stand perfectly still and wait for Prince Charming to fly like wayward debris into your orbit.
