Every year, Hollywood unleashes an avalanche of twinkling, winking, evergreen and wintry comfort films upon us.
Indifferent to whether or not we survive this snowy onslaught, the Powers that Be continue to dump films on us until, dazed and confused, we start to believe that every handsome small town man in a flannel shirt is our future husband, or Santa. But why should Christmas feel so heteronormative? If the best Christmas rom-coms all follow a tried-and-true formula, then shouldn’t any element fit into this formula? Doesn’t chemistry between two people look the same whether it’s happening in an upstate New York Christmas tree farm or at Leather Daddy Night at the Eagle?
The answers to those questions are “good question,” “yes,” and “yes.” Here are six of the best queer Christmas rom coms to play in the background at your next family holiday gathering until your MAGA Uncle Jeremy notices, turns beet red, and threatens to tell everyone about the time you stole his edibles and got tag-teamed by a bike gang.
The cliché Christmas plot: A lonely, single, unlucky city dweller brings home a fake significant other for Christmas to avoid scrutiny from family members. The city dweller’s mom is obsessed with Christmas. The significant other is miraculously efficient at household tasks. The fake significant other becomes a real significant other.
The queer twist: Jennifer Coolidge. Also, the two main characters are men. (This was Netflix’s first fully gay Christmas movie.)
Our official rating: 3.5 out of 5 Jennifer Coolidges. It would score higher if not for its puerile depiction of the central gay man, who seems to love rehearsing TikTok dances with sixteen-year-old girls.
The cliché Christmas plot: The small town heiress to a “Christmas goods business” meets a successful, big city out-of-towner who’s “on assignment” to find a Christmas tree for a tree lighting ceremony. The heiress refuses to adapt her parent’s business to accommodate newfangled modern ideas, and is thus lonely.
The queer twist: The heiress is a lesbian! When Under the Christmas Tree came out in 2021, it was Lifetime’s first-ever lesbian Christmas movie. What’s even better is that the heiress’ parents in this Maine town actually encourage her to date her female love interest.
Our official rating: 5 out of 5 Kristen Stewarts.
The cliché Christmas plot: Speaking of Kristen Stewart, she plays the girlfriend of this movie’s co-protagonist, who must friendzone her during a trip back home for Christmas. Secrets are revealed; old flames reappear at dive bars.
The queer twist: The co-protagonist is played by Mackenzie Davis from that one sad lesbian episode of Black Mirror.
Our official rating: 4 out of 5 rainbow candy canes. While formulaic and burdened by a frustrating central character, Happiest Season also reveals complex truths about the LGBTQ experience.
The cliché Christmas plot: An unhappy, unmarried person decides to participate in a house swap for the holidays, trading in his snazzy L.A. life for the sleepy, quaint vibes of a British cottage. The person he swaps with is also sad and single. Both people find love in unpredictable ways. Wait, doesn’t this sound like The Holiday? Well, yes, but…
The queer twist: Everyone’s gay. Also, the presence of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards.
Our official rating: 4 out of 5 NFTs of Lisa Rinna threatening Kim Richards with a wine glass.
The cliché Christmas plot: In a world where homophobia doesn’t exist, a Manhattan workaholic must begrudgingly visit the suburbs to spend time with family during the holidays. In the same suburb, a well-adjusted small town hunk is tasked with teaching this career-focused childless monster how to have a heart. They f*ck.
The queer twist: Homophobia may not exist, but gay people do! The leads are played by George Kriss and Jonathan Bennett (of Mean Girls fame). In fact, this was Hallmark’s first gay Christmas film when it came out in 2022.
Our official rating: 5 out of 5 Glen Cocos. You go, Glen Coco!
The cliché Christmas plot: In a 90 minute movie where the word “lesbian” is never stated, a Brooklynite is too focused on her fake-sounding career as a photographer to come home for Christmas. Her parents decide to come to her instead; they then set her up with a corporate capitalist shill.
The queer twist: There ARE lesbians … They just don’t call themselves that! The two main characters are both women, meaning that this 2023 movie was Hallmark’s first same-sex female Christmas flick.
Our official rating: 5 out of 5 copies of The Feminine Mystique.
