DEAR MISS MANNERS: I treated a friend to lunch, but when we entered the restaurant, she mentioned that someplace else was better.
I was a little taken aback and thought it was just an unconscious slip, but then this happened again with a different friend.
What could I have said to indicate that their comments were rude without offending them?
GENTLE READER: It is impolite to tell others that they are being rude, but perhaps Miss Manners can accommodate you by making them feel foolish instead.
Look concerned and ask, in a quiet voice, if they would prefer to go somewhere else instead. As this will likely be occurring while the waiter is walking you to the table, your friend will immediately understand the consequence of answering in the affirmative.
This will only work if having to tell the waiter you are leaving will be more embarrassing for your friend than for you, but she trusts you will know this before attempting the experiment.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will be throwing myself a 60th birthday party next year.
The only gift I want is the presence of the family and friends I invite to the party. I intend to include “No gifts, please” on the invitations.
All that being said, I realize some people will bring a gift anyway.
Some of the people I will be inviting tend to give gifts of alcohol, which I do not want. I do not consume much alcohol to begin with, and I have specific tastes — I don’t like dry wine, for example.
Is there a way to politely state this on the invitation? Or do I just gratefully accept any gifts of alcohol I may receive, then discreetly give it away later to someone who will enjoy it?
GENTLE READER: It has long been Miss Manners’ policy to discourage invitations that tell guests not to bring gifts — not because she objects to the sentiment, but because she finds the bald statement of expectation impertinent.
Further appending a detailed list of instructions about what not to bring would be mystifying. The polite solution would be to throw a party — not, specifically, a birthday party — at which you can then admit that it is your birthday.
If you cannot do that, then, yes: Give away the gifts you did not expect, and do not want, later.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a member of several organizations. Frequently I’ve sent updates or comments to the leaders of these groups, who then forward my email to everyone with their reply.
Do I need to put a “for your eyes only” disclaimer on each email? That seems a bit stiff, but my emails aren’t necessarily for publication!
GENTLE READER: That you are tempted to add such a disclaimer suggests to Miss Manners that you already know something about the recipients: namely, that they hit Reply All on every email, or that they do not actually read anything that is sent to them.
Alternatively, you might not know these persons well enough to predict what they will do with your correspondence.
In either case, a more effective solution would be to ensure that your emails actually are ready for such distribution.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
