DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a close friend who is getting married, for the third time. In between her marriages, she has had lengthy relationships with other men.
I’m OK with all of that, except for one thing: She is treating this third marriage and its ceremony as if it’s her first.
She is planning on wearing a traditional white wedding dress, despite the fact that she has two grown children from the other marriages. She has signed up for a bridal registry and is planning on having a lavish post-wedding celebration.
Am I an old-school traditionalist, or is the meaning of the white wedding dress a thing of the past?
GENTLE READER: Far in the past. Big white dresses have been the uniform for all brides for decades now. Whether previously married, elderly, pregnant or surrounded by their children, they all don the uniform.
And you know what? Miss Manners is not sorry.
After the white dress fashion was started by Queen Victoria, the idea got around that it symbolized virginity. But the vulgarity of reading the dress as truthful or not about the body inside was astounding. People — even wedding guests, who presumably liked the couple — speculated about whether a particular bride was “entitled” to wear white.
It was disgusting. So let’s not start that up again.
Just between us, yes, Miss Manners finds all the overblown, costumed pageantry somewhat comical. But she does not want to spoil the fun of those who enjoy it.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Over the years, our family has grown considerably. Our nieces and nephews have children of their own now, many of our friends now have grandchildren, etc.
I used to send presents to everyone, but now that I’m retired, I’ve decided to stop. I’m wondering if this is rude.
I had some recipients who never said “thank you,” but others who were truly touched by my thoughtfulness. The problem is that they all talk to each other. I didn’t want to play favorites or hurt anyone’s feelings, so I stopped completely.
Most of these kids are overly spoiled and barely know us, anyway, since we live out of state. But I think I have hurt one relative, whom I love to pieces, by not sending gifts anymore. I told her why, and she says she understands, but I feel so guilty.
I do text everyone “happy birthday” and send cards, just not presents. What is your opinion on gift-giving etiquette for seniors?
GENTLE READER: Astonishment that it took you this long to realize that sending presents to people who never react to them is a thankless task (as it were).
“Playing favorites” carries the implication of an arbitrary choice conferring an undeserved advantage. That would be hardly the case if you chose to give presents to relatives who appreciated them, but not to those who ignored them.
Of course you can retire yourself from the whole effort. Miss Manners would consider the need to save money and/or energy good reasons for doing so. But like you, she regrets the cutoff for the one recipient who appreciated your efforts.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
