DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend recently proposed to me, and to my surprise, I said no.
It wasn’t because I don’t love him or because I don’t want to marry him; I absolutely see a future with him. When the moment happened, though, I froze and said no.
I had always dreamed of a special, thoughtful and romantic proposal — something that reflected the love and connection we share. Instead, it felt rushed and unplanned, almost as if he hadn’t put much thought into it.
He didn’t even have a ring. While I know that material things aren’t the most important part, it felt symbolic of the lack of effort.
We were just sitting on the couch when he casually asked me, and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed in how unremarkable it was.
I’m worried that I hurt his feelings or made him question our relationship. He hasn’t said much about it since, but I can tell he feels rejected.
I want to marry him, but I also want to feel like that moment is as meaningful and special as our relationship.
I don’t want him to think that my “no” means I don’t care about him or our future together.
— Will I Marry Him?
DEAR WILL I MARRY HIM? There is no way your boyfriend will be able to figure out why you said no unless you tell him.
Start by saying that you do want to build a life with him, but you were caught off guard by the casual way in which he asked you to marry him. Tell him how you have imagined a marriage proposal and how his overture seemed unplanned and nonchalant.
Know, too, that people have different views of what a marriage proposal should look like; that doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with what the marriage will be like over the years.
You two need to get on the same page. Tell him how you feel, and explain what you appreciate in terms of special events. If you want romance, make sure he understands what that looks like.
DEAR HARRIETTE: After passing the final interview at one of the biggest companies in the United States, I’ve been struggling with impostor syndrome.
Although I was chosen for this role because of my experience and skills, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not good enough. I worry about making mistakes or being “found out.”
To address this, I’m trying to focus on small wins — like completing tasks ahead of schedule or receiving positive feedback from my team. I’m also reminding myself that no one is perfect and everyone has a learning curve.
That said, I’ve noticed that my boss occasionally gets irritated when certain aspects of my work fall short, especially as he’s relying on me to carry forward an important project. This has added to my self-doubt, but I’m determined to improve.
Any advice would be a great help.
— Impostor Syndrome
DEAR IMPOSTOR SYNDROME: Give yourself a timeline to learn new tasks and build a rapport with your boss. When things don’t go right, be the first to admit it, and ask for guidance to help you understand your mistakes.
Everyone messes up on occasion. A sign that you are capable and learning is that you pay close attention and figure out how not to make the same mistake twice.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
