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There's so much discussion about kids and screens — how much is too much, what's healthy, and so on. I began to tune out all the advice a while ago because it was just another weight in the mental load of parenting, and it often led to more guilt than anything helpful.
Yet, I still noticed when my kids became dysregulated after certain types of screen time, and I didn't want that for them or for the rest of the household. Rather than trying to figure it out on my own, I brought our kids into the conversation. What they brought up was eye-opening and really helpful.
One of the things the kids mentioned was that their father and I were also often on our screens, specifically our phones. They were confused by the fact that we essentially had no rules around our screen use, and they were also frustrated that sometimes they wanted our full attention but couldn't get it. This shifted my perspective and I realized that our conversation couldn't be just about their screens but had to be about the whole family's habits.
My partner and I often used our phones for things like answering Slack messages or texting people about all the life things that come up, but that wasn't clear to our kids. And it honestly didn't make a difference to them. They wanted undivided attention at certain times.
They were also refreshingly honest about how they felt after different screen time uses — the good, the bad, and the unknown. Most surprising, perhaps, was that they were very open to hearing our advice on how to handle screen time better, and they brought some great solutions to the table.
One of the most interesting aspects of this conversation was that we all proposed our own screen time rules. The kids each came up with a thoughtful plan that my spouse and I approved after all the details were worked out, and I also created rules for myself. These included putting my phone away on our charging station between 5 p.m. and 8 p.m., not wearing my Apple Watch when we were all together, and setting Apple's app limits on ones that were a time-suck (looking at you, Instagram).
From the silly (did you really stand all day if Apple Watch doesn't say you did?) to the practical (sometimes I miss messages from people I wish I had answered sooner), it was challenging at first. But ultimately I got used to this new habit, and it was worth it.
I've seen firsthand how modeling awareness and good screen habits for my kids has helped them have more awareness and self-regulation. The rules don't seem arbitrary, and they apply to everyone. This has lessened the tension around screen time in our house, and while I can't say the house is magically calmer — three young kids are living in it, after all — I can say that the yelling these days is more play-based and less meltdown-based, which is a big win.
While the rules are different for each of us, based on age and what we are doing with our screens, our kids are learning that boundaries around screen time are healthy. My hope is that this will serve them well in the future. And having them involved in the conversation has helped empower them to take more ownership of their screen use. For me, the end goal has never been eliminating screens but finding a better balance and more harmony as a family. And I'm happy to say we achieved that. For now, anyway.
