DEAR ABBY: I was recently informed that my teenage granddaughter is identifying as a boy. She has a male name she prefers and wants people to refer to her using he/him pronouns. Her parents are supportive, to a point. Her mother uses her preferred name and pronouns. Her father supports her using this name and pronouns in school and elsewhere, but at home, he will still use her birth name and pronouns. He has apparently told her this, and she accepts the situation.
My wife agrees with the child's father. I do as well, but I want to maintain a relationship with my granddaughter. In the past, we have mostly communicated via text or by mail. I haven't seen her in person in many years, except for a short drive-by visit during COVID. I'd like her to know I love her, and I hope she has a wonderful future, but I am incredibly sad about this situation. How do I reach out to her? What do I say? — CONFLICTED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR CONFLICTED: Reach out to your grandchild as you always have, via text or mail using his preferred name. Instead of being "sad," be glad he is able to authentically express who he really is.
There is much discrimination against transgender people of every age, so continue letting your grandchild know he is loved and accepted by his grandparents. If you would like to reach a level of better understanding, an organization called PFLAG can be helpful. You can visit it at pflag.org.
DEAR ABBY: I got married at 27 because I was careless and got a woman pregnant. We now have three adult children and a 16-year-old. I haven't been happy, but I told myself that when the kids get on their own, I will move on.
Well, I recently met someone. She's a divorcee, and we have gotten together a few times. She invited me to move in with her, but when I told her I just couldn't, she moved out of state. I feel lost because we talked just about every day, and she doesn't want to talk with me at all now. I'm not mad at her; I'm angry with myself. Help me deal with this, please. — SEARCHING IN OHIO
DEAR SEARCHING: You state that you "told yourself" that when the kids were on their own, you would move on. Did you share those thoughts with your wife? If you married her only to "legitimize" your firstborn, how did you wind up the father of four? There might have been fewer if you had told her what you were thinking.
You mention that your youngest is now 16. That means in two years they will be considered an adult. Are there plans for college in the future? Will you be supporting them until the age of 21? A way to "deal with this" would be to kick yourself for jumping the gun on the romance. I'll also say this: The woman you involved yourself with has a good head on her shoulders and proved it by distancing herself from you.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)
