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Parenting in my house doesn't look like it does for most families. My children and I are all autistic, with ADHD and anxiety also in the mix for a couple of us. Our home is often lively and loud, but we all have fluctuating capacities and diverse needs. We found that parenting with an emphasis on autonomy is essential for all of our well-being. Here's how we landed here.
My son received his diagnosis first, at age 3. I stuck to the conventional wisdom for parenting autistic kids such as strict routines, visual cues, and an emphasis on predictability and structure. But these strategies repeatedly backfired in our home.
Simply asking my son to get dressed in the morning often started the day with battles that drained us both. At first, I thought he was being defiant, but I learned it wasn't about the pants — it was the demand itself. His provider suggested he might identify with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), a cluster of traits individuals often experience extreme anxiety about everyday demands. For children like mine, even a small request can feel unbearable.
I then discovered low demand parenting, which focuses on lowering stress and anxiety. I completed a certification with PDA North America and worked with Amanda Diekman, who wrote "Low Demand Parenting," who gave me tools to support my son's regulation.
Emphasizing connection, reducing pressure, and accepting our son's needs for support were effective, but the focus on dropping demands was hard for me. I found myself getting stuck on what to remove, and I was frequently missing my son's strengths. Consequently, I was failing to identify opportunities for us to collaborate with each other and to build his capacity. I also worried about how to prepare him for a world with increasing expectations.
Last year, another professional reframed my mindset: instead of lowering demands, focus on raising autonomy. It wasn't just about what I could take off his plate, it was about what I could let him take charge of. This transformed our parenting.
Combined with strategies we were already using like declarative language, we leaned into offering our kids as much autonomy as possible over their daily lives. We started small: my son decided the order of his morning routine. Then we moved on to bigger decisions, like what he wore, ate, and how we approached homeschool. The results were immediate. His anxiety decreased, and he became more curious and confident.
To clarify, a high autonomy approach doesn't mean chaos. It means creating a framework where my kids made choices within safe boundaries. For example, bedtime didn't dissolve into "Whatever, stay up all night." Instead, I focused on saying, "I wonder how much sleep you need to feel good tomorrow. Let's figure it out together."
Now, my son typically tells us he's ready for bed around 8 pm and asks for help if needed. Real-world feedback worked better than any lecture or power struggle, and he owns his routine.
My daughter, who is younger, also chooses her clothes, meals, and bedtime routine. As these decisions became theirs to make, anxiety decreased, and emotional regulation improved. And as my kids felt more in control, so did I.
My son, now 7, is thriving. He used to struggle with anxiety, but now enjoys giving presentations at our homeschool co-op. My daughter, now 3, is growing into a confident, self-aware child who already knows her voice matters.
This doesn't mean every day is perfect. Sometimes I miss the "old rules" when things feel messy or uncertain. We're in constant communication about what is and isn't working and what we need to adjust in order to meet our family's evolving needs. This approach takes time, patience, and a willingness to let go of conventional wisdom, but it has also fostered so much trust.
If you're considering an approach like this, start small and focus on collaboration with your kids. Whether you call it low demand or high autonomy, the point isn't to give our children free rein. The goal is to foster an environment where they feel safe, respected, and empowered to explore what's within their capacity. Your kids just might surprise you.
