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I've always been a researcher. I can spend hours researching different hotel options or scouring reviews for the pros and cons of each specialty pillow I am considering for my chronic neck pain. So, it made sense to bring this level of research and care to what is, in my opinion, one of the biggest decisions I have ever made: motherhood.
For me, making the decision to be child-free put a magnifying glass to the motherhood experience and strengthened the bond with my friends who chose to become mothers.
Like most young girls, I always envisioned having children. I always hoped for two girls. I had names selected and a vision for my life as a future mother. But it is not the job of little girls to think about what being a mother really entails. Sure, I saw my own mother, but despite seeing it with my own eyes, society is rather good about keeping the real work of mothering under wraps. Little girls don't get to see how it can wreck the body, the sleepless nights and the constant pressure mothers feel.
When I got married, I believed motherhood was the logical next step, even though the idea gave me pause, and I didn't quite know why. So, instead of going with my gut, I decided to employ the same skills I honed in writing a master's thesis and go on a fact-finding mission.
I needed to know what exactly went into not only having a baby but actually taking care of one. I decided it was the only way I could truly make the decision if motherhood was right for me. I approached my decision like a research project, and my research led me to my conclusion. Which was no.
But in doing my research, I learned more about what being a mother actually is. I did not shy away from learning about all the ways people give birth. I did not shy away from learning about what happens if a child cannot properly latch. I did not shy away from learning about the emotional toll mothers feel.
The rhetoric around child-free women is that we don't celebrate the mothers in our lives. That we see them as the enemy, or stupid. That is inherently untrue. The research that allowed me to make my own decision about motherhood helped me develop true empathy for the mothers in my life. It wasn't an us vs. them situation for me.
I saw in the eyes of my friends, the same ones I shared first crushes, homecoming dances, and college graduations with make the choice that was following their heart. And instead of letting these important relationships dissolve because "our lives were just too different," I could instead see them for what they actually were. They were women I cared very much about fulfilling their dreams of motherhood. I could be there for them — an ally and a friend.
The hallmark of a true friendship is one that can grow. Just because these women in my life chose a different path than me does not mean that I cannot be there for them. Friendship is about supporting each other in our pursuits. Theirs was motherhood, and mine is not. These are my friends, and I'm on their team. Motherhood was their choice. My support for them does not simply vanish because they made a choice different from mine.
Recently, I was visiting a friend with a small child. She was struggling to decide the best way to proceed with her child's sleeping arrangement and felt pressure to make the right decision. Instead of shrugging and saying, "I don't know," I could tell her that I understood how child sleeping arrangements can be very cultural. Some believe the baby should sleep separately, and some believe it's better to keep the baby close by. I could see her face immediately light up at my knowledge about her struggle. And instead of being another person in her life there to judge her, I can be a sounding board for her.
My friend sat in front of me with a look of relief on her face; I know for a fact the last thing she needed was another person in her life judging her parenting choices. That's a real friendship. And all it took was a little bit of research.
