Dear Eric: I just love your column – read it every day. I don’t miss it because your advice is straightforward, right-on, sensible and kind.
So, I saw myself in the letter from the friend of a woman who is so kind and so helpful to everyone else but rather controlling and beastly with her husband (“Bad-Mouthing Do-Gooder”). Not as the friend, but as “the woman,” although, mercifully, not that far over the top.
I see where I can improve in my relationship with my husband — not that he is perfect, as he tends to be a bit self-centered, but is a good guy with many excellent qualities.
After reading that column, I took a very deep breath, a big step back, decided to let go and then said to myself, “I can be a better person.” I made a promise to myself to do this, and this is my mantra: “Be a better person.”
I am grateful for your column, and glad to be able to change when needed.
– Living and Learning
Dear Living and Learning: This is a beautiful response to the sometimes tricky problem of being a person.
I commend you for being willing to be so open and vulnerable, and to commit to change.
I also want to encourage you not to be too hard on yourself. It’s great to identify places where you can grow, but it’s also OK to acknowledge places where you need other people to make changes, too. The key is to talk them through, with empathy and openness, so that no one feels attacked and everyone feels heard.
Thanks for your kind words about the column, as well. I am so glad it’s resonating with you.
Dear Eric: My husband and I are in our 70s and retired to a new community.
We are engaged in church ministries and social groups that meet for dinner periodically. I volunteer and he is an avid golfer.
My problem is not being able to turn new relationships into meaningful friendships. I have met many wonderful people but have a problem getting close with anyone. Any suggestions?
– Feeling Isolated
Dear Isolated: I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you’re not alone.
Many adults struggle to make the deep connections they want, especially later in life or in new communities. I turned to my friend and friendship expert Anna Goldfarb, author of “Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections.”
Here’s what she advises:
“One of the best strategies for deepening a friendship is to provide what researchers call social identity support, which is seeing your friends for all the roles they play in their life: their race, class, gender, and religion. This could look like asking to try their favorite dishes they grew up eating, including them in your cultural traditions, and signaling that you’d like to be a part of theirs, too.
“Another strategy is to recruit an accountability buddy. Identify a meaningful goal you both want to achieve – moving your body more, learning how to knit, watching every Matt Damon movie in chronological order – whatever floats your boat. Your friendship will deepen as you cheer on one another because you’re more invested in your successes.”
Goldfarb told me, and I agree, that you’re off to a great start. So, you should congratulate yourself on making the effort and for continuing to try. It’s not always easy or as straightforward as we’d like, but you’re on the right path.
Dear Eric: I enjoy your column and would like to make a comment regarding the letter from “Game Off,” regarding her frustrations with her 10-year-old grandnephew who plays video games while on family vacation.
I agree family time is important, and, in her own home, she should negotiate something with her niece so she can spend time with her grandnephew during visits.
However, she’s completely out of touch regarding gaming. Many colleges now have competitive gaming teams supported by computing and graphic design faculty and they operate out of the athletics department just like other teams – it’s called “esports” and is becoming a big business.
Her grandnephew may be headed to a successful career down the road through gaming.
– Game Time
Dear Game Time: You’re right, it’s all about balance. The letter writer can and should communicate her needs and wants regarding family visits. But she should also remain open to parenting choices that may not be what she would do in a similar circumstance.
Additionally, while moderation is important when making decisions about gaming, you’re correct that it’s a growing and sometimes lucrative field of study and competition. The first esports college scholarship was given out in 2014 and there are currently more than 250 varsity-level esports programs across the United States and Canada, per the National Association of Collegiate Esports.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
