Politics, law, education, and culture ran four-way stop signs simultaneously to detonate a mushroom cloud known as 2024. The highlights are apparent, but you may have forgotten some lesser-known events. Here’s a recap of the year’s most consequential stories.
Trump wasted no time by nominating every major Fox News personality to a cabinet position.
January: Claudine Gay resigned as Harvard’s president after telling Congressmembers they needed to contextualize the call to slaughter Jews on an industrial scale. A few people found this preposterous, chief among them Jews, along with much of the sane, civilized world. Harvard understood it erred and immediately interviewed Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan to guide the storied school temporarily. Sadly, he didn’t get the job.
February: Special prosecutor Robert Hur reported he would not charge President Biden with illegally possessing classified documents because that’s simply what lovable, infirmed grampas do. Biden took exception to the elderly description, grabbed his walker with tennis balls on its feet, hobbled before the White House press corps, and promptly forgot why he went out there in the first place. House Republicans impeached Secretary of Allowing Anyone to Illegally Walk Across the Border Alejandro Mayorkas for being criminally bad at his job. Senate Democrats voted to dismiss the case and give him a raise.
March: New York Gov. Kathy Hochul deployed 750 National Guardsmen to the New York City subway system to counter recent violent assaults. Criminals quickly overrun the guardsmen, steal their weapons, and occupy the Lexington Avenue subway stations between 51st and 53rd streets. Hochul reassures concerned citizens that the subways are safe if you don’t use them.
Meanwhile, that creepy Joe Biden automaton featured in Disney’s Hall of Presidents delivered a stirring State of the Union Address in which it decried Georgia nursing student “Lincoln” Riley’s murder at the hands of “an illegal.” The Biden contraption grovellingly regretted not using the term “salt-of-the-earth migrant.” Disney decommissioned the animatronic Biden and sold it to U.S. Steel for scrap, making it infinitely more useful than the actual President Biden.
April: A magnitude 4.8 earthquake struck New Jersey, rattling the East Coast and becoming the most exciting thing to happen in the Garden State since HBO filmed the Johnny Cakes episode of The Sopranos in Boonton. In politics, Cornell West named Melina Abdulla as his pick for vice president, causing a nationwide internet outage because everyone simultaneously Googled “Who the hell is Melina Abdulla?”
In business, 99 Cents Only announced it would close all 371 of its stores, leading one to logically ask, “Can I buy all the doomed shops for $362.29?”
May: The Justice Department sued Ticketmaster, accusing it of monopolizing its competition and increasing prices. Ticketmaster responded by charging the Justice Department a $1.5 billion lawsuit acceptance fee, a $3 billion legal jargon reading fee, and a $5 billion only-a-complete-idiot-would-pay-this-fee fee. The Justice Department paid the fee.
Elsewhere, a Manhattan jury convicted Donald Trump of falsifying business records in furtherance of another crime. Which crime? Presiding Judge Juan Merchan, D-N.Y., didn’t want to bog down jurors with inconsequential details and gave them an exaggerated wink along with Choose Your Own Adventure-style jury cards with a plethora of crimes from which to pick.
June: Maj. Gen. William Sherman burned Atlanta to the ground during the Civil War — easily the most catastrophic event in the city’s history. Fast-forward 160 years to when Joe Biden debated Donald Trump there. So enamored was former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi with Biden’s performance, she asked Vice President Harris to procure an anatomical chart of the human back and scampered out to the nearest cutlery store. Barack Obama frantically dialed U.S. Steel to see if the Biden robot could be salvaged.
July: In an otherwise uneventful month, Trump came within a flea’s whisker of having his head blown off on national television during a failed assassination attempt at a Pennsylvania rally. Secret Service agents had no clue anything was amiss before the crime except for countless rally-goers screaming and pointing at a rooftop toward a suspicious man aiming a rifle and wearing an “I’m going to kill Trump today” T-shirt.
A few weeks later, as an oblivious Biden showered, a shadowy figure silhouetted the curtain and appeared to raise a sharp instrument while screeching violin music repeated. The president later tweeted that he was mentally fit as a rickety, 81-year-old fiddle but would drop his re-election bid.
August: Vice President Harris kicked off a joyful summer by speaking platitudinous gibberish to promise price controls and post-birth abortions upon “winning” the Democratic presidential nomination. Understanding she must win Pennsylvania, helmed by Josh Shapiro, its dynamic Democratic governor who’d be a logical choice for vice president, Harris used astute political judgment to pick the Skipper from Gilligan’s Island.
The Skipper, portrayed by Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz, bumbled around stages, spastically waving jazz hands to anyone in front of him, causing small children to flee in terror. The estates of Alan Hale Jr. and Chris Farley sued Walz for unauthorized use of their likenesses.
September: Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, pleaded guilty to federal tax evasion in California, prompting the senior Biden to unequivocally state that he will never, hand-on-the-Bible, I-swear-before-God, ever pardon his son. In Philadelphia, ABC News reporters David Muir and Linsey Davis teamed up with Harris to defeat Trump in a debate — what? No. Biden won’t pardon his son, so stop asking about it.
Trump steals the show by declaring of Haitian immigrants in Ohio: “They’re eating the dogs, the people that came in, they’re eating the cats. They’re eating the pets of the people that live there.” This would later become PolitiFact’s lie of the year. Oh, for goodness’ sake, for the last time, President Biden repeatedly said he would not pardon his son. Trust him.
October: The largest Nazi rally in the United States since 1939 occurred at Madison Square Garden. Torch-wielding, brown-shirted, swastika-armband-wearing troglodytes marched in time down the aisles, unfurled enormous Nazi flags, and festooned the famous New York venue with billowing Totenkopf (death head) banners where retired Knicks/Rangers jersey numbers once swayed. An alarming number of Jews and people of color joined forces with the Nazis and laughed when an evil insult comic dared to joke about Puerto Rico, sealing Vice President Harris’s inevitable victory in a few days.
November: Famed Iowa pollster Ann Selzer declared Harris would win the state in a three-point landslide, causing MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow to audibly orgasm on air. The poll showed Harris leading among college-educated, suburban white women in their fifties who majored in belly dance theory at Vassar and read every Nicholas Sparks book in print.
American citizens faced a daunting choice between a tough-as-nails former prosecutor and a Hitlerian convicted felon who serially lies and abuses women emotionally and physically. Selzer was slightly off by 13 points, with a cuddlier version of the Führer winning the state and national election convincingly, aided by millions of Puerto Ricans with a sense of humor.
Democrats could not comprehend how Harris’s strategy of not saying anything of substance caused her to lose. The New York Times dispatched teams of anthropologists to states Trump won to understand why the unenlightened creatures lurking there voted how they did. Trump wasted no time by nominating every major Fox News personality to a cabinet position.
December: President Biden unexpectedly pardoned Hunter to the extent that Hunter could’ve dropped a nuclear warhead onto Mar-a-Lago the night his father announced the pardon and still gotten away with it. In the oddest story of the year, alien drones in search of intelligent life for some reason hovered over New Jersey.
Congress narrowly averted a government shutdown after Elon Musk examined a pork-laden spending bill and arched one of his eyebrows like a Bond villain. The nation’s ghouls made themselves known by glorifying an entitled trust fund baby who allegedly murdered a health insurance executive in broad daylight in New York City. This occurred roughly a week after a Manhattan jury acquitted a former marine who subdued and inadvertently killed a raving madman who threatened to murder passengers on a subway car a year earlier. Guess whose side the ghouls took.
Democracy died in 2024 because people went to the polls and freely and fairly elected one person over another for president. That’s the antithesis of democracy, at least according to Nicolle Wallace, Chris Hayes, and other such lunatics. Soon, we will forget we ever democratically elected our leaders — until the special House elections occur in early 2025 to fill the seats vacated by representatives who want to work for Trump. Until then, let’s hope for a peaceful dictatorship starting on day one.
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