Dear Emily,
A few years ago, my adult son brought home a new girlfriend for Christmas. She complained about the guests at a holiday party we took her to, wouldn’t eat the food at my other son’s house, and accused me of having bad politics. Needless to say, I didn’t love my time with her, but I thought maybe she’d just made a bad first impression. Last year, however, was even worse: she said my grandchildren were poorly behaved and, to put it politely, actively ignored them at dinner. It takes a lot for me to say this, but I just really don’t like this woman and I don’t think that’s going to change.
Because of his hectic work schedule, I only see my son a few times a year, and I don’t want to give him more reasons to skip visits. I think he knows that we aren’t big fans of his girlfriend (my other son, the one with the kids, has made this explicit) but I’ve tried to be somewhat diplomatic: she is still invited to Christmas. But do I really have to get her a gift? I don’t want her to feel unwelcome, but for some reason I just can’t stomach the idea of going to a store or browsing online and picking out something for her to enjoy. I don’t want her to enjoy things.
Am I being too mean? Do I need to accept that she’s going to be part of my son’s life going forward and just get over it? Or am I right to feel like she’s violated our generosity and doesn’t deserve much more of it?
Sincerely,
Get Her Out of Here
Dear Get Her Out of Here,
Apart from being a source of light when the power goes out, situations like this are literally why candles were invented. I understand that you dislike your son’s girlfriend and that she has behaved rudely at previous Christmas gatherings. Nevertheless, you have to get her a present, and it should be a candle. Spend between $35 and $75 on a candle and wrap it and put her name on it and put it under the tree. There: gift problem solved. Larger problem … well, read on.
Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose the partners our family members bring into our lives, and if we alienate them, we risk alienating the people we love. So make an extra effort with this troublesome girlfriend in the hopes of salvaging your strained relationship with your son. (No one is so busy at work that they can’t make it home for a visit if they actually want to.) You have some legitimate gripes against her: She has been rude and mean in the past. Telling someone you’ve just met that they “have bad politics” is pretty aggressive. It almost sounds like she was worried about you judging her and preemptively showed her worst side so that she’d be able to safely dismiss your opinions in the future. Maybe she felt insecure about her relationship with your son and meeting his family for the first time was stressful for her. Whatever charitable reason you can come up with for her past behavior, latch on to it and try to believe it. You have to let go of resenting this woman and give her a second or third chance to win you over.
Once upon a time, many gigs ago, I had a co-worker who rubbed me the wrong way, and it got to the point where I placed a panicked call to a friend with much more experience in managing workplace conflict than I had and complained to her about the situation. She gave me some unexpected advice that has always stuck with me: She told me to fight my impulse to have as little to do with my troublesome co-worker as possible — and not only that, to invite her out to lunch one-on-one. It went against my every instinct, but I followed her advice and was surprised when my co-worker took me up on my offer enthusiastically. Then, over lunch, I saw a different side of her. She was vulnerable and real with me in a way she’d never been in the office, where she cultivated a brash, supercilious persona. She told me stuff about her background and family that helped me understand why she felt she needed to stay on the defensive all the time. By the end of the lunch, she’d won me over, and in the end, we wound up becoming friends.
So after you’ve given her a candle (the Strategist has a fairly exhaustive guide that hits right in the correct price range), invite your son’s girlfriend to spend some time with you one-on-one. Make sure you get out of the house — drafting her into going into the kitchen and making a salad together isn’t going to give you the time or space to work things out. Take her out on a fun errand or for a seasonally appropriate cozy beverage. Then, broach the previous awkwardness between the two of you head-on. “I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye in the past, but having a good relationship with you is important to me,” is what you have to force yourself to say. Then, see what happens. It’s entirely possible that she’s a bridge-burning type who truly doesn’t care what anyone thinks of her, even her prospective mother-in-law, but that seems far less likely than the alternative, which is that she’s a person who puts up a lot of defensive shields and has a hard time getting to know new people. Be as kind and sympathetic as you can. Listen more than you talk. Worst-case scenario, you have the satisfaction of knowing you actually tried your hardest in a tough situation and are the bigger person. Best-case scenario, you find something to like about this girl and your relationship with her and your son improves, thereby lowering the stress level of all future Christmases.
Happy candle shopping!
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