DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I (both women) have been together for 25 years. For half of them, we lived in the Middle East.
We met while working as health care expatriates. My spouse is from South Africa and was raised very differently than I was.
When we finally returned to the U.S., we bought a house in a southern state where two of my brothers live.
Over time, my spouse let me know she didn’t want them to stay in our house when they came to visit. She preferred they stay in a hotel. She said she was disgusted that they might not shower before bed, and that our cats would be disturbed by their presence.
I told her I thought her comments were rude, and I reminded her that sheets are always washed after visitors leave.
This has caused a lot of conflict in our relationship, and I’m not sure I can go on alienating and hurting my family by not welcoming them in my home.
I love my spouse, but I love my family and friends too, and I want them to feel welcome. I am torn about what to do.
— PULLED IN TWO
DEAR PULLED: I don’t know what your spouse has against having your brothers as houseguests, but her “reasons” for wanting them to stay in a hotel are excuses rather than reasons.
As you stated, the sheets are washed and changed after guests leave. And cats are adaptable creatures.
An alternative might be for your spouse to leave when your relatives come to visit, or for you to visit them instead.
DEAR ABBY: My sister passed away 11 months ago, just one month after a diagnosis of ovarian cancer. I loved her and miss her dearly.
She told her husband and me that she wanted me to have specific belongings and her annuity that was in her name, but she did not have a will.
My brother-in-law has not given me anything that she requested be given to me. I haven’t asked why, but I feel if I don’t ask, he’ll never give me an explanation.
I realize that since she didn’t have a will, he’s not legally obligated to give me anything. It’s really about trust, honesty and fulfilling her spoken wishes, but I guess he doesn’t view it that way.
I feel totally disrespected. Should I never ask him why and distance myself from him?
— DISAPPOINTED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your sister. By ignoring her wishes, her husband isn’t disrespecting you, he is disrespecting her.
It’s a shame your sister didn’t have her wishes in writing, but she didn’t, and you will have to accept it.
Since you feel you need answers, ask him why he hasn’t followed through on what your sister wanted. Depending upon his answer, decide whether to distance yourself then.
TO MY READERS: I wish you all a joyous, meaningful, healthy and safe Christmas. Merry Christmas, everyone! — LOVE, ABBY
TO MY READERS: The eight days of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah begin at sundown. Happy Hanukkah, everyone, and a joyous Festival of Lights to all of us! — “LATKAS” OF LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
