CHRISTMAS is the perfect storm…
“It is a time of year where there is pressure for everything to be perfect yet there are so many opportunities for conflict which can be made so much worse with alcohol, which is everywhere over the Christmas period,” Vicki McLynn, Partner in the family team at Slater Heelis exclusively told Fabulous.
For many, “January is then the time to leave the unhappiness behind and make a fresh new year start”.
But what are the most common reasons couple’s seek divorce, right after the “most wonderful time of year?”
Making divorce a new year’s resolution is a reality for many of those who contact us in January. They will have decided earlier in the year that they are no longer happy and the new year is then the natural time to take that first step towards a fresh start.
Christmas is also such a busy time that clients often feel that they don’t have time to begin a divorce at the same time as buying presents, organising nativity costumes and cooking 100 mince pies.
The decision to wait until after Christmas is also often to ensure that this magical time is not spoiled for any children in the family, and they wait until schools are back before getting in touch.
Two weeks at home together, unable to go out because the weather is awful or money is tight, can cause strain in even the strongest relationships.
Where a marriage is already in difficulty, this time together can lead to the final straw, particularly when couples are tired and there are so many additional stresses and pressures.
Arguments which have been brewing or left unresolved can come to a head when a couple are together for so much more time. Issues which were an irritation can suddenly become too much to live with anymore.
Juggling Christmas commitments over the festive period can be a huge source of conflict and lead to arguments which prove unresolvable.
A particular area of tension is where special days should be spent. Should Christmas Day be with your mum or my mum?
You may feel that you are seeing too much of your partner’s family, but they may take the view that it is not enough.
This can also lead to difficult discussions around family dynamics and the realisation of what your partner really thinks of your relations.
The financial pressure of Christmas can be a source of conflict on its own, but it can also aggravate money woes which already exist.
Christmas is the most expensive time of the year, swiftly followed by those New Year celebrations. The drains on your wallet are almost endless with present buying (particularly the latest technology for the children), social events, hosting friends and family, decorating and the new outfits needed.
One of you may try to be more sensible, and when the other isn’t that can cause huge tension.
Hidden debts can also be discovered at this time of year when the financial pressure mounts up.
It is not uncommon for newly discovered credit card debt to be one of the first reasons a client will give as to why they want to divorce.
Another problem area is social and work commitments, especially when the children also need looking after and there are still jobs to do.
Where social events clash, and only one of you can have your night out this can cause arguments and one person may feel they are always the one losing out. Late nights, and the effects of overnight indulgence can mean that tempers fray far more quickly.
Office flirtations can lead to more at a Christmas party where wine is flowing, and lights are low.
That might be the realisation for one of you that the marriage is broken, and you want a fresh start with someone new. Or if news of the kiss gets back to the partner at home that may be too much to forgive or forget.
Christmas can provide opportunities that are not normally there for things to escalate past a point of no return for a marriage.
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Presents can cause problems in a marriage for so many different reasons. The amount of one person’s spending on presents for others might be viewed as over the top and lead to arguments.
But there may also be problems if one party buys a present for the other which isn’t considered to be sufficiently special or thoughtful, particular where their gift has been chosen with much more care.
The gifts exchanged can be taken as an indication as to feelings over a relationship. Disappointment can turn to anger, and be a last straw.
Tensions with extended family can often come to a head over Christmas when you are spending more time together. You can find that things that have been a cause of annoyance over the year become too much to ignore.
It might be someone’s refusal to help with the tidying up, or the way they speak down to you, or criticisms you no longer feel able to let wash over.
Truths may be spoken which can’t then be undone and this in turn cause conflict between you and your partner who may choose their families side over you.
Some couples hope that the Christmas magic will reignite the flame again in the marriage. Their very own Love Actually.
But for some the experience is far more Grinch and having given things one more try, come January they decide that if the romance can’t be found over Christmas it is unlikely to come back again.
Expectations for Christmas to be that special, sparkly time can often lead to the disappointment which is the final straw for the marriage.
Alcohol should really be number one on this list as it is at the heart of so many of the conflicts.
Arguments are sparked so much more easily when a glass of prosecco has been drunk. After alcohol people may feel able to speak home truths and words that can’t be unsaid despite the regret come the morning.
Decisions can be made more impulsively under the mistletoe after an eggnog with consequences that can’t be undone. Alcohol can be fun to begin with but can lead to huge regrets come the next day.
