Santa Claus has a big ole list that influences which presents he delivers to children on Christmas Eve, but what about the millionaire athletes?
Jayson Tatum, Drake Maye and David Pastrnak are probably too busy to be writing up wish lists this holiday season, but we have an idea of what we might get them if we were in the big red suit. It’s not all about lavish presents, either.
It’s the thought that counts, folks.
The Patriots, Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox and Fleet deserve presents, so let’s identify a few good ones:
Drake Maye: Bodyguards
Maye has been tremendous throughout his rookie season, but one thing that needs to change is the amount he’s getting hit and/or running for his life. New England has allowed its rookie signal-caller to be sacked 29 times in just 11 games. How about some personal security for the face of the franchise?
The Patriots could also fix the offensive line, but how much faith do we have in them to make that happen?
Rhamondre Stevenson: Stick ‘Em
It’s been tough sledding lately for Stevenson, so we figured we could help with that persistent fumbling problem (seven this season) by making it nearly impossible and slathering the good stuff on his arms. The NFL doesn’t check for stick ’em anymore, do they?
Christian Gonzalez: Pro Bowl Votes
It’s the least we could do after he’s played so well for pretty much nothing.
David Pastrnak: Four-Leaf Clover
Pastrnak is currently on pace to have his lowest goal total (28) in a full season since 2016, which can partly be blamed on his desire to get others involved. It’s also pretty obvious that he’s had some bad luck, though, so let’s try to improve that with a symbol of good vibes.
Brad Marchand: Rat Trap
It’s unfortunate that we don’t get many on-ice antics out of the NHL’s greatest pest anymore, so this would be our cheeky way of trying to draw something out of him.
Jeremy Swayman: Home Depot Gift Card
Did you guys see that video? The dude loves a nice trip to the lumber section.
Jayson Tatum: Bank Vault
How does it work, exactly? The Celtics dished their superstar a $315 million extension this summer, but where does the money go? We know he doesn’t have it all right now, but eventually, he’ll need a place to store some cash.
Jaylen Brown: NOTHING!
Brown has been in the gift-giving spirit lately, hooking folks up with his new “741” brand athleisure. I don’t see any in my mailbox, though, so until he gets it together and starts sharing the love, I won’t, either.
Payton Pritchard: 6MOY Award
Did anyone see this coming? Pritchard has undeniably been the best bench scorer in the NBA in 2024, and there’s no reason to expect that to stop at the turn of the calendar. I’d just give him the Sixth Man of the Year trophy now.
Garrett Crochet: Realtor
I don’t think we can wrap up a human and place them under the tree, so we’ll stick a business card in Crochet’s stocking so he can find a new place in Boston.
Triston Casas: Nail Polish
It’s always nice when you have that one gift idea that you know will be enjoyed by the recipient. Casas likes painting his nails, so this was an easy one.
(P.S. You shouldn’t care if a dude is painting his nails. It’s perhaps the most harmless thing in the world.)
Jarren Duran: Scissors
Duran hasn’t been seen voluntarily wearing sleeves in years. The Red Sox don’t have any of those cool sleeveless uniforms the Cincinnati Reds and Pittsburgh Pirates (among others) made famous, either, so we’ll just give the kid something to potentially take matters into his own hands.
Alina Muller and Aerin Frankel: Best Fried Bracelets
You have to be pretty good friends with someone if you’ve spent five seasons playing together, right?
