MARRIED mum-of-two Ellie* has been with her husband for twenty years, but when the couple stopped having sex, she knew she had to look elsewhere.
With an age gap of twenty years and two teenagers to look after their sex life had fizzled out leading her to go online looking for an affair.
She says: “I’ve been really miserable in my relationship for a long time, it’s a practical relationship with no affection”
Ellie says it began with the snoring, and then the menopause, leading her to move full-time into their spare bedroom.
Speaking exclusively to Fabulous, the mum says: “That really is the death of the sex life when it happens – I can’t remember the last time I had sex with my husband.
“I let it go for such a long time and I thought ‘I’m too young to do that.’”
But Ellie says the spark had totally gone, so there was no way she was going to try and bring back their sex life.
“I went past fancying him at that point, I got the ick, I knew him too well, all his mannerisms and I couldn’t go back and find him as a sexual person again, it sounds mean, but he probably feels the same about me.”
Despite being deeply unhappy, earlier this year Ellie decided she wouldn’t separate from her partner instead, she went looking for an affair.
“I’m a nice wife, I bring a lot of energy into the relationship and he takes it for granted a little bit, no, a lot,” she says.
“He does well out of the relationship, he’s never brought up the lack of sex he’s just happy with a companion – he doesn’t understand I’m a younger wife and do need that – he just ignores it.”
Ellie was aware she couldn’t use Tinder as people were much younger than her plus, there was the risk she would get seen, instead, she found IllicitEncounters.
She spent weeks on the app chatting to other men, before finding one that she liked.
“I like the idea that you read the profile, chat to people and then ask for each other’s passwords to look through each other’s photos,” she explains.
“The downside is once you see the pictures you think oh God no.”
But she finally got lucky when she came across her now boyfriend who she explains is also married with younger kids.
Private Investigator Aaron Bond from BondRees revealed four warning signs your partner might be cheating.
They start to take their phone everywhere with them
In close relationships, it’s normal to know each other’s passwords and use each other’s phones, if their phone habits change then they may be hiding something.
Aaron says: “If your partner starts changing their passwords, starts taking their phone everywhere with them, even around the house or they become defensive when you ask to use their phone it could be a sign of them not being faithful.”
“You should also look at how they place their phone down when not in use. If they face the phone with the screen facing down, then they could be hiding something.”
They start telling you less about their day
When partners cheat they can start to avoid you, this could be down to them feeling guilty or because it makes it easier for them to lie to you.
“If you feel like your partner has suddenly begun to avoid you and they don’t want to do things with you any more or they stop telling you about their day then this is another red flag.”
“Partners often avoid their spouses or tell them less about their day because cheating can be tough, remembering all of your lies is impossible and it’s an easy way to get caught out,” says Aaron.
Their libido changes
Your partner’s libido can change for a range of reasons so it may not be a sure sign of cheating but it can be a red flag according to Aaron.
Aaron says: “Cheaters often have less sex at home because they are cheating, but on occasions, they may also have more sex at home, this is because they feel guilty and use this increase in sex to hide their cheating. You may also find that your partner will start to introduce new things into your sex life that weren’t there before.”
They become negative towards you
Cheaters know that cheating is wrong and to them, it will feel good, this can cause tension and anxiety within themselves which they will need to justify.
“To get rid of the tension they feel inside they will try to convince themselves that you are the problem and they will become critical of you out of nowhere. Maybe you haven’t walked the dog that day, put the dishes away or read a book to your children before bedtime. A small problem like this can now feel like a big deal and if you experience this your partner could be cheating,” warns Aaron.
“When we met, it just felt so easy, I’d met others off the site for coffee or lunch but there was no chemistry,” she explains.
“We’ve kind of fallen in love really, but that’s the dangerous part of it. It’s been a rollercoaster emotionally, I’m open and expressive and have a lot of love to give, I felt I should have you in my life but I can’t ever have that so it took a while to step back and think I can either leave this or accept it for what it is and be happy he’s in my life albeit small doses.”
While the pair live close to each other – which is a bonus, they have to be careful about meeting up, especially at Christmas.
Often they meet at a hotel during the day out of the view of people they may know using the DayUse app which allows you to book a hotel room during the day which Ellie says makes it easier for people to have affairs.
Ellie almost got caught when she was a fraud target and was talking to her kids about it, she started going through her transactions with them and spotted the hotel, “‘I was thinking what is that, said it out loud and then was like oh my god it’s the hotel’ I said it was when I got petrol.”
For Ellie, it’s easy to book as she and her husband have separate accounts, and she says she doesn’t pay much attention to covering her tracks on her phone.
She has the typical password lock and face ID adding ‘My husband doesn’t mistrust me in any way but I’ve nearly been caught with taking pictures of myself in nice lingerie and stuff and realise they’re still on my photo reel – my son has face ID on my phone – and it nearly got me into trouble but you can put photos in a hidden album, I only found it after nearly getting caught.”
The pair often talk using Whatsapp adding she was a ‘bit brazen’ with it, “I have so much going on my head I can’t think about that.”
While the pair won’t be able to see each other at Christmas, she says it’s easy to text during the day adding: “On Christmas day you get pinged all the time from family and friends saying Happy Christmas – it’s not out of the ordinary – so it’s easy to say your’e texting friends.”
And on Christmas Eve she plans to keep the spice going with her new lover.
“Christmas Eve I’m in the spare room wrapping presents – do not disturb me – and I can take some cheeky photos in my lingerie for him for Christmas.”
“I will feel a pang, and I hope we can go out for a meal, or a date and have that connection and be all into each other, and do couply thing,” Ellie says.
I come down in the morning and he doesn’t even look up from the paper – it’s soul destroying.
Ellie
But that’s not the reality, “I want more than that but I keep in mind I can’t do that,” Ellis says.
“There’s the excitement of it still – Christmas will be tricky I can’t feel sorry for myself and have to try to enjoy the Christmas tradition for my kids and family.”
As for her husband, Ellie says she had tried in the past to open up about feeling unhappy, but he had no interest in listening, which is why she sought an extramarital affair in the first place.
“My husband is older, and is open to conversations about the relationship – ‘I don’t want to express my feelings about anything’.
“I have tried, that feeling of desperation, I can’t live like this, no sexual or intimate connection.
“I come down in the morning and he doesn’t even look up from the paper – it’s soul destroying.”
She plans to get him something nice for Christmas but is hoping to get some new lingerie for her lover.
He’s a good provider, got a good car, but we’re not even laughing anymore.
Ellie
“My best friend pointed out I’d have to hide it away somewhere, I don’t think my hubby would go through my drawers but you never know, he might think I’m trying to ignite the sex lives with him.
“Imagine finding that and then it never appears and thinking ‘Why have I got a Christmas jumper?’”
She adds that her closest friends know about her affair but understand why she chooses to do it.
“He’s a good provider, got a good car, but we’re not even laughing anymore,” Ellie explains.
“I need more than that in a relationship it can’t just go on and on.
“Having the lover on the side is a whole separate life, it’s a secretive part of me but it brings me happiness it fills the gap, the void in my relationship.”
* Names have been changed to protect identities.
