A brilliant star hangs above a stable in Bethlehem, like a giant Google Maps pin. The three kings arrive.
“We have brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh, gifts befitting the King of the Jews,” declared Melchior, bowing to the Holy Family.
“Actually…” said Balthazar.
“Oh, no,” replied Gaspar. “You forgot the myrrh?”
“Didn’t forget it,” answered Balthazar. “Just went in another direction.”
“We agreed on gold, frankincense, and myrrh. We’re the Three Kings—these gifts reflect on all of us.”
“Now, now, Melchior, we should have faith in Balthazar,” offered Gaspar. “He is a wise man, after all. Surely, he got a gift of great dignity and reverence.”
“Thank you, Gaspar,” said Balthazar, handing Mary a Papa John’s box. “Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday, whatever.”
“Hmmm,” said Mary, shaking the enormous rectangle.
“What does it say on the box?” asked Joseph.
“It says, ‘We created the Shaq-a-Roni to feed big appetites and make a big impact. With eight foldable Shaq-sized slices, loaded with extra cheese and covered in over sixty pepperoni from edge to edge, pizza gets bigger when you Shaq-a-Roni.’”
“Oh, wise men, what can this riddle mean?” asked Joseph. “Does Shaq refer to Meshach from the Book of Daniel?
“Aren’t all pizza slices ‘foldable’?” asked Mary.
“How does one Shaq-a-Roni?” asked the Little Drummer Boy, whose gift suddenly seemed sad next to the gold and the pizza.
“Just open the box,” answered Balthazar.
Mary paused to take in Shaq’s handsome visage on the lid, then opened the box. A light shone on the enormous pizza, and angels played glissandos on their harps.
“That is the largest pita I have ever seen!” shouted Joseph.
“The shiny red discs have more oil than all of Arabia!” exclaimed the shepherds.
“The cheese has the texture and flavor of resin!” declared the angels.
“Wait, is this kosher?” asked Mary, who hated always having to be the responsible one.
The infant Messiah waved his hand as if to say, just this once, it would be okay to eat this unblessed pork and cheese abomination.
Mary, who had just given birth and who nobody had thought to feed for the last twelve hours, grabbed three slices.
“This is the best pizza I have ever had!” exclaimed the Mother of God, who, in her defense, had never had pizza before. Still, it hit the spot. “We will definitely reserve a place in heaven for you, Balthazar!”
“Ha ha!” said Balthazar, poking Melchior in the chest and playfully tugging Gaspar by the beard.
“I spent $35,000 on my gift,” said Melchior, eyeing the gold and suddenly not feeling so wise.
The Three Kings headed out, and as they got to the stable door, Balthazar reached deep into his pocket. “Oh, I got you this too.” He gently tossed a bag of myrrh into the manger. Balthazar made a clicking noise with his mouth and did finger guns toward Melchior and Gaspar as they headed to their camels.
“No, no, no,” said Mary, taking the bag from the infant Jesus and putting it aside for safekeeping. “We don’t eat myrrh, sweetie.”
“Better ingredients,” said the shepherds.
“Better pizza,” proclaimed the angels.
