Every Christmas carol requires a villain. Why? Because, as I stated last year, every black hat (and green What) has viable reasons for their hatred, and if it wasn’t for these trauma-addled transgressors, the heroes of the story wouldn’t get to be remembered as such. Is any good worth having without a little bad? Tiny Tim would have been ten feet under if Scrooge didn’t have his little reckoning; Cindy Lou Who would never have discovered the true meaning of Christmas if not for the Grinch’s terrorism; and Bruce Willis wouldn’t have gotten any glory if not for Gruber.
Apart from making every Christmas story more interesting, villains have another purpose too. No, it's not looking better than the hero, or being funnier, or having superior comebacks. They're good for talking shit with in the corner of the company Christmas party that is this miserable life. The Wet Bandits? I want to trip children with them. The Grinch? Let's steal Christmas trees together. Todd and Margo? Find us swapping sunglasses and swilling wine together. You think you can do any of the aforementioned activities with the good guys? Don't be silly! The fact that I can't actually become friends with any of these fictional characters? You guessed it: It's ruining my Christmas.
It was difficult to narrow it down but, here are four heels that I know would heal me.
Now, I know I'm supposed to hate this labor rights-violating, capitalistic asshole. In the beginning? I do. But it's a testament to Michael Caine's acting capabilities that I also feel immense empathy for him in all of his bitter loneliness. By the end, I'm cheering for his little monotone vocals. And I'll be damned if he doesn't have me cackling along the way. Let us never forget this line: "If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!" OK, drama queen! In fact, I think I'd actually have to step up my shit-talking game just to hang with him.
My man, my man, my man. He's charming! He's witty! He's handsome! He cares about his colleagues! He crawled so Luigi Mangione could execute the most iconic perp walk of all time! You get it. This thief stole my heart. Come to think of it, we'd probably do a little more than shit-talking together. Get your mind out of the chimney, nerd. I just mean we'd rob a bank together or something.
Let's be honest: you knew this was coming. In recent years, the terminally online have accused Rachel McAdams' Amy Stone of being mean and judgmental, but I think those people are just weak. With every withering stare and sarcastic retort, I love this surly diva all the more. And you know what? I don't blame her for treating Sarah Jessica Parker's Meredith Morton the way she did. If your sibling has ever brought a conservative, suit-wearing, throat-clearing stick-in-the-mud home for Christmas, you understand. If they haven't, check who you're in a relationship with. Chances are, you're the sibling that did.
Humble brag (depending on who you ask), it's pretty much a family tradition that when Amy first comes on screen (basket of dirty laundry in hand), someone in my family—without fail— yells, "There's Audra!"
Say whatever you want, but Peter Dinklage's Miles Finch, an ultra-arrogant author of children's books, is the perfect heel to Will Ferrel's Buddy the Elf. Where the latter is–at times— completely insufferable in his overzealousness, the former answers with a cynicism that's emblematic of grinches like me. Representation matters, etc., etc. Example: "Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life." I don't need to know what a jackweed is to know that he ate with that.
Unfortunately, the Wet Bandits just missed the cut for me. But if they're on your list, tell me why in the comments!
And if you haven't been following along:
5 Ways Christmas Is Turning Your Kid Into a Willing Subject of the Surveillance State
6 Christmas Billboards That Should Be Burned
7 Celeb Christmas Movie Cameos That Hallmark Got Wrong
8 Reasons Christmas Markets Must End
9 Songs That Make Me Want to Die
Give Me 10 More Violent Christmas Spy Thrillers
