Let me start out by saying that I am actually a Christmas lover. Eating, drinking, singing maudlin songs, seeing my loved ones, being cozy...all my top favorite activities. But when my dear friends here at Jezebel asked if there was anything I'd want to contribute to 12 Days of Fuck This, a hater's Christmas roundup, I knew I had to list out all the ways Christmas is indoctrinating your kids into being willing citizens of the modern surveillance state.
Number one is obvious: Santa Claus (as a concept), he who is “making a list and checking it twice," who is "gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.” You know who else is making lists of names? The FBI, the NSA, every tech company you've ever heard of (and, probably more worryingly, every tech company you haven't).
Sure, the list the FBI's currently compiling is probably primarily targeting people who were just slightly too eager to post about Luigi Mangione. Or maybe the agency is still focused on expanding the No-Fly List—which notoriously includes people who are not in any way connected to terrorism, reminding us that, despite their prolific spying apparatus, federal agents are often very bad at doing things like “identifying the correct person.”
In fact, the promise that Santa’s checking his list twice might be worse! You’re teaching your kid to accept being surveilled, but then there’s the reassurance that someone’s double-checking the work, that you won’t accidentally end up on the Naughty List if you don’t truly belong there. The same cannot be said of the federal government.
Which brings me to reason number two: Santa Claus (mall version). I want to be clear, I have no beef with the individuals who grow out their beautiful luscious beards all fall, and use the natural twinkle in their eye to carry on the magic of Christmas. And even kids who still believe in Santa Claus (which, despite my ranting here, I think is deeply sweet), I think, understand that the guy sitting in the large chair in the courtyard of your suburb’s newly built mixed-use complex called something like Downtown Crossing is not actually Santa.
But that one white lie you told them two years ago, that the guy in this costume knows the real Santa, so they’d better behave? Your kids have held onto that piece of misinformation, and each year they go meet Fake Saint Nick, they’re getting more and more desensitized to the idea that a large network of people—real or fake—is gathering information about them.
An obvious candidate for this list is the idea of an omniscient Christian God, aka the reason Christmas exists—or at least, the reason Christmas existed before it became a nearly $1 trillion market opportunity. I admit that my heart isn’t in this one very much, because I am (somewhat) a believer (please do not challenge me on this; I do not care enough to debate it with anyone; faith can be a balm and a gift when it is not used as a cudgel). But if we’re talking about ways Christmas traditions may make kids feel comfortable with a larger entity knowing everything about them, I’ve got to at least mention the reason for the season.
Then we get to some of the worst surveillance offenders out there: you, their parents. Oh, you say, we’re just recording videos nonstop on Christmas morning for the memories! These will be cherished moments to reminisce over when they’re beamed into our eye-screens in 25 years! WRONG. You’ll watch them maybe once when you’re scrolling through your phone looking for something else; they’re only taking up room in the cloud that Apple’s going to ask you to pay ever-more-but-still-seemingly-negligible amounts of money for in perpetuity; and, most importantly, your kids are getting used to everything they do being recorded by someone, somewhere. Put your phone away. Live in the moment! Teach your kids about digital boundaries!!
Finally, finally, the real reason I’m here to talk to you about Christmas “traditions” that are delivering your innocent, willing children straight into the waiting hands of the surveillance state: Elf on the motherfucking Shelf.
Elf on the Shelf is—like 95% of what we do at Christmas—a product of capitalism. But this one is very recent capitalism, post-9/11 capitalism, a capitalism I feel very comfortable describing as “surveillance capitalism.” Elf on the Shelf did not exist when I was a kid; it was the titular subject of a 2005 children’s book and then took off like gangbusters (during a time in which everything people—especially parents—did was becoming fodder for the gaping maw of social media content). The Elf “exists” to report to Santa at the end of every day. Ostensibly this is to update the big guy on your kids' Christmas wishes, but implicit in the idea of reporting is that they’re also updating him on behavior, making sure that the “naughty” or “nice” designation is as detailed and up-to-date as possible. Elf on the Shelf is a narc!!
Plus, the big part of “proving” that the Elf is “real” is that it’s supposed to appear in a new spot in your house every morning, suggesting it’s chosen a new hang-out spot upon its return from the North Pole. At this, I also must ask parents: Don’t you have enough to do during the holiday season?? Give yourselves a break! Cutting Elf on the Shelf from your family traditions—or better yet, never introducing it—saves you time and doesn’t quite so brazenly condition your kids into being watched, analyzed, and reported on. A win-win for everyone.
Next up to eliminate? Your Alexas and your Nest doorbells.
