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I take the role of being the "eldest sibling" seriously. As the oldest sibling, I want to be a good example for my younger brother, look out for my family's needs, and be reliable and responsible.
For me, financial success is the best way to fulfill this role. In 2023, I stayed true to my role while making a decent monthly income. After monthly expenses, I could save some part of my salary. I'd spend that on my family when I visited over the holidays. But in July 2024, I turned to freelancing. My income wasn't stable, and I felt more financial pressure than ever.
As the holidays neared, I grew more anxious about money. I was still finding my footing in the freelancing world, and my savings were drying up. If I wasn't earning well, I couldn't spend well, either.
I worried about whether I could afford holiday expenses this year. I wanted to live up to what I expected of myself and what I felt my family expected of me. I also wanted to avoid the mistakes I'd made during the holiday season last year.
When I went home for the holidays last year, thanks to my stable income, I wasn't worried about spending or having a holiday budget. However, I realized I should have set a spending limit when I returned. I had gone overboard.
My "eldest daughter syndrome" had kicked in several times. Treating my family to dinners, arranging celebrations for cousins, buying last-minute gifts — I wanted to take care of everything. I wanted to be reliable.
This year, my heartbeat quickened at the thought of going home. Whenever my brother called me to plan a dinner or a trip with the cousins, I would instantly check my account and wonder how I would afford it.
I didn't have the same financial privileges I'd had the year prior. Freelancing seemed promising, but I hadn't yet gotten in the groove of onboarding regular clients and earning a consistent income. I wouldn't get paid for 1-2 months after submitting one-off assignments and had to rely on my savings for expenses.
The whole month before I went home to see my family, my anxiety was through the roof. I needed a plan to navigate my financial anxiety. But first, I had to understand why it exists.
I had a few fears. I was afraid I'd run out of money because of last-minute expenses, like dinners and gifts. I was afraid that my family would have to cover me if that happened. Lastly, I feared they would judge me if they had to cover me. I also didn't want anyone paying my way; after all, I felt like I was supposed to look out for my family, not the other way around.
I realized that spending money on my loved ones wasn't just a way to fulfill my role as the eldest sibling. It also gave me immense pleasure and was important to me. Whether it was a small gesture or a cozy dinner, I wanted to offer it.
As I explored further, I thought about how I spent every holiday since I'd started earning my own money. My parents, my cousins, everyone would offer to pay for things or contribute, but I'd insist on taking care of it. I'd go to great lengths to make sure I was the one paying. Once, I argued with my mom to let me pay for her new sweater, in front of the cashier.
When I thought back, I realized that though I enjoyed paying for things in the past, no one else expected it from me. I wanted to do it because I wanted to be perceived as responsible. In reality, I realized that I was adding unnecessary pressure on myself, especially when I was struggling to earn well.
Once I identified the problems, it was easier to look for solutions.
First, I allotted money to a holiday budget and decided to take on a couple of extra freelance projects to make sure sticking to it wouldn't strain me financially. I also installed a savings app that automatically transferred a fixed amount from my bank account daily. I could withdraw those savings if I went over my predetermined budget.
I noticed that the idea of unplanned holiday expenses like last-minute gifts was freaking me out. I started looking for gifts a month in advance so I'd have time to choose things that fit my budget.
Next, I examined the pressure I always felt to pay for outings with my family. I realized that I didn't have to pay for everything while struggling to build a career — and, further, no one expected me to.
Once I gained control of my holiday budget, I started to feel more confident. I also realized that I don't — and can't — always have it all together as the eldest sibling. I had to come to terms with the fact that I can't pay for everything this year. I can foot the bill for a couple of dinners with my family and cousins, but not all of them.
Letting someone else pay might challenge how I thought of myself in my role as the older sister, but keeping up that perception for myself just isn't worth it. I decided to be open to others contributing or offering to pay. I'm trying to make my peace with it.
I also reassure myself that my budget is restricted only for this holiday and that there are many more lavish holidays to come.
