I happened across a post from Pink News: “13 lesbian holiday films that will warm your sapphic heart.” They included both terms in the headline to be inclusive, but case you’re wondering, “sapphic” is the term kids today call gay chicks; if you use the word “lesbians,” you’re outing yourself as a boomer.
I loathe Hallmark “romance” movies and most “romcoms” in general. They’re so formulaic, especially as a writer, that I just predict the ending in the first scene. I primarily live alone so don’t usually have anyone to annoy by predicting movie endings—around my family I’m not writing lesbian movie reviews, I’m watching the Eagles go to the playoffs. But I figured I’d check out a few from the list—most of them I couldn’t watch because they’re on a channel called Tello which is like a Netflix for rich sapphics with girlfriends I guess.
I chose three movies from the list and they could be rated: terrible, meh, and amazing.
Merry and Gay. Broadway Star returns home (on a break from playing Monica in the Friends musical) where her former childhood best friend/sweetheart (in a romance we never hear about) is the small town bar owner doing sets for the small town Christmas pageant that needs a director. Cliché-required tension builds over Star moving away and Bar Owner pining after her. Much script-required longing, pining and awkward glancing abound. The two jittery, annoying meddling mothers, closeted lesbians who are the gayest part of the movie, repeatedly set up far-fetched holiday schemes like tangling light strands that Broadway Star couldn’t possibly handle so Bar Owner Theatre Tech must rescue her, creating Accidental Hand Touch. There’s even “Musical” the musical (creative!) complete with a pointless musical scene. The plot moves along with the poor quality of dollar-store holiday cookie molasses and small town holiday pageant production; if bad acting was an Emmy category the competition would be savage. In spite of myself, when they finally kiss in a 1.5/10 not-hot movie, I did tear up and was angry at myself for it. Terrible.
Christmas at the Ranch. See if you notice a theme here. Ivy League girl who is Very Busy at Work gets a call from Back Home where everyone wears flannel and unnecessary neckerchief bandannas and there’s trouble at the ranch because greedy neighboring farmers are going to swoop in and buy the place. Cue Kate the Sexy Cowgirl who’s coincidentally invoked the holy names of Mariah Carey and Santa Claus in asking for a girlfriend for Christmas on the ranch porch where, despite the financial troubles, about $2000 worth of trees and lights are displayed like it’s Macy’s.
The agonizing country music twang soundtrack morphs into a 1981 dentist’s office love song instrumental as our hometown heroine begrudgingly returns home despite being the only one capable of running the corporate social media account. Ivy League encounters Sexy Cowgirl because, you won’t believe this, they’re both staying at the “Fiddler’s Inn” motel! What are the chances? They end up swiping and matching on an online dating app from the other side of the motel room wall! They meet at the bar after Cowgirl Kate, in the absence of makeup, adorably strikes a match to create eyeliner. They get in a dumb fight over social media, leading to more dumb fights over saving the ranch laced with cute scenes involving holiday hayride fundraisers.
Most annoying to me: the ironic misogyny of the cowgirl line, “I can start a fire from nothing but I would never put us in a position where I would have to” since Ivy League is such a cliché damsel in distress? Absolutely nothing romantic happens until the end where not since Brokeback Mountain has anyone had to figure out the physics of how to make out with two protruding cowboy hat rims in the way. Meh.
Carol. I’m not sure why I’d never seen the 2015 film staring Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara but this is the best outcome of having come across this list. The critically acclaimed film (named the best LGBTQ+ film of all time by the British Film Institute), based on the novel The Price of Salt, set in mid-century New York about a woman struggling with divorce and the woman she meets in a department store while buying a Christmas gift for her daughter, is perfection in writing, acting, directing, cinematography, costuming, and sapphic romance. I won’t even waste words trying to describe the beauty of a film that should simply be enjoyed by watching it. It won’t be the last time I see it, as I’ll be glad to watch it with anyone who wants to visit the island and watch it with me, in awe and silence. Breathtaking.
