BEDFORD, Mass. — Commissary sources described a hectic scene Tuesday when retired Army Staff Sergeant Hampton K. Vitzke read the entire label of a can of Campbell’s Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables out loud at Hanscomb Air Force Base. A veteran of Vietnam — as verified by his hat, vest, bicep, and Buick — Vitzke’s soliloquy was witnessed by an audience of dozens in Aisle 3 during the lunchtime rush.
“Carrots,” he said, to approving nods from his wife of 47 years, Ethel. Vitkze’s cart was parked perpendicular to the aisle and at a right angle to Ethel’s cart, in what Store Manager Henrietta Bryant described as a “classic Tetris formation.” She noted that a similar scene had played out minutes earlier in Aisle 2 when Vitzke and his wife lamented the varieties of mayonnaise.
“Seasoned Beef with Potatoes,” Vitzke intoned, holding the soup at arm’s length like Yorick’s condensed skull in a can.
“But they already said ‘Potatoes,’” Ethel said, notably concerned. She took the can and verified the second potato reference, then read the next ingredient, Reconstituted Onions.
“What was that?” said Vitzke.
“Reconstituted onions,” called out a patron, checking his watch.
“Oh no, not with my stomach,” said Vitzke. Ethel explained to the audience that Vitzke has a sensitive digestive system, though that rarely stopped him.
Reached for comment, VA Psychologist Dr. Vivienne McConkle explained that the commissary is a place of comfort for many retirees in a changing world.
"Some will drive hours, spending countless dollars on gas, just to enjoy slight discounts on wilted kale,” she said, noting that the commissaries’ soothing 1960s color scheme eases retirees’ inevitable frustration of finding the base pharmacy closed for training.
Back in Aisle 3, Vietzke had reaffirmed control of the can and pushed all the way through past Fermented Whey to scattered applause. Finding only 17 cans on the shelf, he adjusted his suspenders and looked around for help.
“You speak English?” he asked a nearby woman. “Are there any more of these in the back?”
“I don’t work here,” said Medical Group Commander Dr. Col Elizabeth Wu, taking a deep, slow breath.
When asked for further comment, store manager Bryant embraced the big picture.
“The commissary,” she said, “where you’ll save an average of 25% over off-base grocery stores, as long as you average in overseas stores, don’t count bagger tips, ignore the fact most states don’t tax food, but the commissary has a 5% surcharge, and are cool with us secretly raising prices to recoup a loss.”
At press time, Vitkze and his wife were squeezing peaches.
Mike Charles Delta is pretty sure the yellowcake is going to turn up.
