The holidays just wouldn’t be the same without at least one “so bad it’s good” Netflix Christmas film.
Last year, it was Dashing Through the Snow; before this, it was I Believe in Santa; before this, the Universe was created. This year, however, the honor goes to Hot Frosty, a Netflix Lacey Chabert vehicle about an anatomically correct snowman who suddenly becomes an anatomically correct human male. In case you haven’t heard, people are actually enjoying this movie. This is partly because the titular Frosty is played by the vascular Schitt’s Creek star Dustin Milligan, whose carrot is dangled just out of frame during several scenes. However, it is also because the movie is unhinged. May I admit the following into evidence.
When Hot Frosty becomes an adult human male, he possesses a carrot and snowballs which nearly cause an older horny woman to faint. That means that some anonymous, overachieving sculptor in this upstate New York town, clearly hoping to craft a snowy David – a lasting legacy, a purpose for existing – has sculpted male genitalia out of snow. This Middle America Michelangelo then gave the snowman perfect abs and teeth, as well as a thicc cake. Keep in mind that this was for an annual snowman building competition, for which the prize was probably a basket of artisanal candy canes.
After conducting several clinical tests including checking Jack’s temperature and looking at him, the doctor of Hope Springs, NY finally determines that Jack is medically a snowman, as he claims. And that’s it. The doctor does not ask him to stay for further testing, nor does she report his miraculous existence to the worldwide medical community or even the local science museum. She simply accepts his identity as a snowman intrinsically. Later, when he falls into a pile of snow with his eyes closed, she announces without checking his pulse or even touching him that he is medically dead. She is never slammed with a malpractice suit for the entirety of this movie.
Since he was literally born yesterday, Jack Snowman does not understand the concept of sustenance or that he must physically lift food to his mouth in order to survive. Despite this, he immediately understands how to operate a computer and the Internet, and goes online shopping with Lacey Chabert’s credit card. Thus, perhaps the true thesis of Hot Frosty is that certain hallmarks of modern life – technological proficiency, consumerism – are not learned, but in fact innate.
This is the most unrealistic scene in the movie. Becoming an expert carpenter in three hours is an impossible feat for even full-grown humans without the minds of people born yesterday.
This is after Jack Snowman spends much of the movie inside and exhibits no symptoms of death. However, without this sudden exposition dump that occurs over an hour into the movie, the town doctor would not be able to descend from her ivory tower, glance briefly at the seemingly unconscious Jack Snowman, and declare that he is the scientific world’s first medically dead snowman.
This is worrisome for multiple reasons, not the least of which is the fact that Kathy just kissed a dead human-shaped lifeform. He may be a snowman, but he still has abs and a thicc cake. Girl, what are you doing? Secondly, this is worrisome because Jack Snowman was literally born yesterday. He has the mind of a toddler. Kathy, if all you wanted was a toddler with abs, you could have just gone on a Tinder date with a twenty-two-year-old I-Banker visiting his rich parents for Christmas. But also, you fell in love with Jack Snowman?? He didn’t know what food was until yesterday. He doesn’t know how to wipe his own butt. What are you going to talk about now? His favorite dinosaur? Babe, merry Christmas and happy divorce.
