DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I have been together for many years. I have never really liked his mother — for valid reasons. She belittles and is disrespectful to her son.
The last straw was when she came by two months ago and made a derogatory comment about him to me. (He was not present.) It was false, and I called her out on it. She, of course, had no rebuttal. She is negative even in her personal life and often lies.
I talked to my fiance about this, and he does address the issues with her, but not in a way that makes her understand she must either respect him or risk no longer having a relationship with him.
She uses others, is two-faced and rarely bathes.
I am considering breaking off our engagement at this point. I’m tired of this woman’s lack of respect. Should I walk away from this relationship?
— DISGUSTED AND APPALLED IN THE EAST
DEAR DISGUSTED: If your tolerance level has reached its limit, you may have to walk away. However, I do not think you should give your fiance an ultimatum in which he must decide between you and his mother. As obnoxious and odiferous as she is, she is still his mother.
I do think you should suggest that he talk with a licensed psychotherapist about his relationship with her. If it is as unhealthy as you have described, he might then, on his own, decide to distance himself from her.
DEAR ABBY: When my son got married in 2003, we had many good times with him and his wife. Things have changed now that we have cellphones.
It’s nearly impossible to have a relationship with her because when they come to our home, she’s always on her phone! My son talks to his dad, and I’m left sitting there wondering what I should do.
Would you say anything to your daughter-in-law about this? She immediately gets on the phone when she arrives and stays on it most of the time. It wasn’t like this when cellphones weren’t as prolific. It hurts my feelings that she comes all the way to my house only to socialize with her Facebook friends and not us, because we rarely see them.
Should I speak up? I don’t want to start trouble and I don’t want to isolate them. I love them, but I think it’s rude that she’s on her phone the whole time they’re here. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for her to talk to me.
I have two other daughters-in-law who may get on their phones occasionally, but not like this one.
— OFF THE PHONE IN KENTUCKY
DEAR OFF: Of course what your daughter-in-law is doing is rude. It is also insensitive. It won’t stop unless you and your husband say something.
When you do, do not couch your message in terms of being “rude.” Instead, tell her it hurts your feelings and gives you the impression that she doesn’t value your company as much as you do hers. It also impedes high-quality visiting.
If you express it this way, it may make her less defensive, because it is the truth.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
