After T.J. announces that the players are leaving Vietnam, they rush home to pack their Korean eye masks and Bala ankle weights while laying out their wardrobe for the morning’s mystery flight. Bananas elects to dress in a golden shock blanket, like the kind that they put on final girls when the ambulance finally arrives at the end of a horror movie, while Rachel goes for a Canadian tuxedo. If we needed any more proof that Rachel is a psychopath, it’s that after wearing athleisure and spandex for two and a half months straight, on the one 4 a.m. morning when she has to sit on a charter plane for God knows how many hours, she chooses hard pants.
When the cast arrives in the Philippines, they discover that their Bowser’s Castle dwelling has been replaced with an easy, breezy, beautiful villa. MTV needs to drop the Vrbo link. Everyone enjoys piña coladas in the pool before sitting down for a group dinner, where the red wine flows generously into their already intoxicated bloodstreams. Like preteens on the last night of summer camp, they reflect on their favorite moments from the hormone-fueled season they spent together. However, instead of choosing something simple like the color war or the camp production of Jack and the Beanstalk, Tori says she thought it was fun that rather than one big group of people running the game, as was often the case in past seasons, this season felt like “a big fight between a bunch of people.”
Bananas is quick to take the opportunity to jump down her throat, arguing that she was, in fact, the machine. At this, Tori attempts to rationally reason with her former friend, asking to agree to disagree on their feud and leave it in the past. Bananas, who has the emotional capacity of a 9-year-old whose mom just took away his iPad, rejects this proposal — he doesn’t want to work with her in the future to prove the point that her actions against him have consequences. My bet would be that in his heart of hearts, Bananas knows he’s having an outsized reaction, but if he’s concerned that if he doesn’t make Tori’s life miserable for the rest of eternity, it will be viewed as weakness in the eyes of other competitors and a license to break their loyalty to him. This could be detrimental since reputation and fear-mongering are his primary tactics for making deep runs in the game.
This week’s daily is set on the grounds of a stunning Spanish fortress, where the players will have to race up its steps to retrieve 40 bricks and trade them on their way down for patterned planks that they’ll use as puzzle pieces. It’s aptly named “Fortress Bricks.” The naming conventions have gotten lazier and lazier as this season has gone on. This episode is literally called “Location Change Era.”
Before they start, T.J. lets Cara Maria know that she has a massive three-minute time penalty, the largest any loser has received thus far. Plus, she’s a target this week along with beasts Jenny and Rachel, so she has zero room for error.
Tori’s strategy is to pace herself, since all she needs to do is not get last, and that shouldn’t be a problem since Michele is huffing and puffing her way across the course as all the women lap her over and over again, as if they’re carrying bags of cotton candy instead of cinderblocks. Kyland and Jordan are eyeing each other as their primary competition, hyperaware of the other’s pace.
Kyland is the first to get all his planks to the top of the fortress but fumbles on the puzzle, which, frankly, really doesn’t look that hard. Jordan takes full advantage of Kyland’s confusion and steals the win out from under him. This could absolutely foreshadow how the final goes down — even though Kyland has a slight edge physically because of his spry youth, Jordan has been playing these games for a decade and knows what to look for.
Jenny wins for the women, despite an asthma moment, and successfully removes herself from the target equation, securing her spot in the Final. Cara is right behind her, but when you’re a target, second is the first to lose, as Abby Lee Miller would say. It all comes down to a puzzle dogfight between Tori and Michele. Tori evidently took the race a little too easy because there’s no reason she should have left such little room between herself and Michele. Like Jordan, Michele is able to lock in on the puzzle, saving herself from the arena with seconds to spare.
It’s up to Jordan to choose who will face off against his ride-or-die Tori. In the Chamber, T.J. makes a rare personal appearance, informing Jordan that he’ll need his final decision that night. It’s not an easy spot to be in — he made a handshake deal with Rachel earlier in the season that they would be each other’s number twos, but at this late stage in the game, how much does that really matter? After the women make their pleas, he tells Cara that quelling their long standing vitriol for one another and becoming friends was his favorite part of the season. Hmmm, maybe we could have seen some evidence of this beautiful union in these 90-minute episodes??!!
Ultimately, Jordan decides to honor his agreement with Rachel and send in Cara — friendship only gets you so far. T.J. tells everyone to arrive at tomorrow night’s elimination in their Challenge uniforms and not to be late. LOL, as if they’re personally in charge of calling their own Uber.
The cast takes a motorboat to a giant, crusty-ass pirate ship in the middle of the ocean named Sinister, with an uncanny resemblance to the Flying Dutchman from SpongeBob SquarePants. T.J. tells them this will be their home for the duration of the Final. But first, Cara or Tori will need to make it through the final elimination. Wanna take a guess at what it’s called? “The Final Elimination.”
Cara and Tori have to tread water for as long as they can before they either give up or go under. You can kind of see the light leave Cara’s eyes when it’s clear this is going to be a swimming challenge. It’s also a bit underwhelming as what was a hyped-up showdown between two huge franchise stars. It would be like if Tatum and Luka were going head-to-head in a live Netflix event, but then instead of playing one-on-one they just have a staring contest.
It’s probably kind of an awkward elimination to watch, just two people silently floating on their backs in the dark. They even start playing the doofus music underneath. The girls are getting eaten alive by plankton, their hands are making actual prunes jealous, and a snake starts swimming in circles around them.
After two hours, T.J. decides he needs to wrap this up so he can catch the new episode of Landman. In the next phase of the game, the players will have to remove their hands from the water so they can only use their legs to stay afloat. Cara starts to panic, thrashing around, while Tori, who is also struggling on the inside, is able to better maintain her composure, hoping that the illusion of strength will expedite Cara’s demise. Bananas reminds Cara of this from the Sinister, coaching her to stay focused on herself and not look at Tori. In confessional, Cara explains that he’s not cheering for her; he’s cheering against Tori, so we at home shouldn’t think he’s a good guy. By that same token, by rooting for Cara, I’m personally rooting against Laurel, who’s not even here anymore.
Twenty more minutes pass, and T.J. tells the women they now need to remove their elbows from the water, destabilizing them even more. Cara gives her best effort, but eventually puts her arms down, marking the end of the competition and the end of her run. I’m not the biggest Cara fan in the world, but I did want to see her make the Final on her first flagship back, and it would be a nice bow on the “Cara has friends now and enjoys competing again” arc.
On her way out, T.J. has Cara fill out her Karma Points survey, and she gives them all to Rachel, of all people. I’m mentally preparing myself to be absolutely livid when the Final ends up being more rigged than a claw machine. Come back next week to witness my psychological break.
