DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was in college, a friend’s family graciously opened their home to me for a couple of months while I worked a summer job near their home, which was an hour from my family’s.
I did my best to treat their home as respectfully as my parents’ home, and at the end of summer, I gave them what I could afford out of my earnings for their kindness.
During one evening meal, I was enjoying some garden tomatoes that the lady of the house had provided. She interrupted the meal — loudly, but with a smile intended to soften the blow — saying, “Uh-oh! Looks like somebody wasn’t taught to eat their tomatoes with a fork and knife!”
I was momentarily confused, because I had indeed not been taught this, nor did I know it was expected. I immediately complied, and have eaten tomatoes properly ever since. I know that her direction was correct, and I learned a valuable etiquette lesson.
I just imagine that, prior to that evening, she must have endured my boorish manners with horror, and handled it as best she could. Hopefully, she at least knew by my expression that I acted from ignorance rather than inconsideration.
Because I value that life lesson, yet also remember the embarrassment, how should I handle it if something similar occurs with my children’s friends?
GENTLE READER: Useful though the lesson may have proved, Miss Manners reminds you that correcting another person’s manners is, as a rule, rude.
Your friend’s mother was availing herself of the exception for parents and those acting in their place. But applying it to someone of college age was a stretch — and doing it in front of the family was not nearly as gracious as you now characterize it to be.
Better to give any instruction later, in private, and to limit yourself to transgressions of major import and to ones you feel will be well-received.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I like to entertain, and we have the means to do so regularly.
We often invite neighbors over, but we omit one specific neighbor (whom we see regularly) because he is very vocal about his political opinions. We try our best to keep our social events lighthearted and fun.
I feel bad that we haven’t invited this neighbor, and I’m sure he notices that he is left out.
Is there a way to tell him that he’d be welcome if he kept his political opinions to himself? We run into him frequently, and it has become awkward.
GENTLE READER: More awkward than telling him that he is welcome in your house only if he can keep his opinions to himself?
Never mind. Even if Miss Manners were able to concoct such a plan, it would not work.
You should be able to choose whom you do — or do not — like, and with whom you wish to socialize. But the chances that someone who is insensible to the problem would prove any more acceptable were he to confine his conversation to nonpolitical topics make this not worth pursuing.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
