In the final ‘Journeys in Mental Health’ blog of 2024, PLOS Mental Health hears from an anonymous contributor about their experiences during the festive season. For many, the holidays are an opportunity to have fun and connect with others, or a chance to rest and recharge. However for many, the festive season can be a lonely and difficult time…
***Trigger warning – some of the content of this blog may be uncomfortable or upsetting for some***
I have never liked Christmas. Even as a child there was something about it that just made me feel sad. I would hear the Christmas songs playing in the shops and start to feel a sense of dread and a wave of emotion. Sometimes I just had to walk out. I don’t think I had the happiest of families but I don’t remember experiencing anything especially traumatic either. As a child, I didn’t really understand why. I also didn’t feel like I could tell anyone that I didn’t like it because everyone around me seemed so excited. Even those I considered less fortunate than me. There was something about the time of year that they seemed to enjoy. The food, the parties, the gift-giving, the music. So many around me really got into the ‘festive spirit’. I was worried that I would be labelled as miserable or ungrateful had I shared my discomfort with the season. So I just grit my teeth and counted the days until normal service resumed. Often on the verge of tears and with a nagging feeling. Inside I was always screaming. New Year’s Eve was just as bad.
It took me a while to realize that what I was uncomfortable with was a feeling of forced happiness. Pressure to smile more, eat more, drink more, socialize more. And faking the enjoyment made me feel guilty. Like I was lying to everyone and like I was rubbing it in the faces of those who were alone. Obviously for some, the enjoyment of the season isn’t forced. They really do enjoy festivities and the indulgences. I understand why and do wish I could feel that. But for me, it just always feels like pressure to mask and the fact that it feels like pressure makes me feel sad. I spent a long time wondering if there was something wrong with me. Because so many people I spoke to were looking forward to the holidays or looking forward to some down time. And there were also some people who openly didn’t like Christmas but for a very clear reason – for instance traumatic memories. But that wasn’t me either.
It was only after I started to admit to some people that I didn’t enjoy Christmas simply because I didn’t that I realized that it is actually quite common. And there isn’t anything wrong with me or anyone else who feels that way.
I am sharing this because I wanted someone reading this to know that it is OK not to like the holidays and it is OK to not have a particular or major reason for that other than you just don’t like pressure to feel a certain way. And it is OK to count down the days until it is all done. My heart aches for people who have trauma at this time of year (past or present) and for those who are isolated or feeling the strains of cost of living. I am lucky in some ways that I simply don’t like it.
So what do I do about it? I speak more openly now about not liking this time of year so that others can maybe feel some comfort or feel better about their own experiences. And I use the time to volunteer. It is by far, the best decision I have ever made and once I started to bring a smile to the faces of others, the festive season did not feel so bad. So maybe this is something to consider. If you are not comfortable with the season, being there for others or giving something, even if it is your time, can make all the difference.
If you love the holidays, that is OK. And if you hate it and pretend it’s not happening, that is OK – as is everything in between…
If you love the holidays, that is OK. And if you hate it and pretend it’s not happening, that is OK – as is everything in between…
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