I start this game of cat and mouse when you least expect it: You’ve swiped right to search for an unused app on your phone that you’re convinced you have somewhere. I lure you in with my headline: “Oolong Tea Is Having Extreme Effects on Health.” Yeah, I knew you’d be interested. You love oolong tea. I’ve been waiting for you. You click, and that’s when I show myself for the first time: This Article Is Only Available to Apple News+ Subscribers, of which you are not one. Nice try.
“You can look, but don’t touch,” I whisper from my protected paywall’s safe, loving embrace. You scoff, thinking you can best me, but I know this music, and I’ve been waiting for the dance.
You open Safari and furiously type my headline into the search bar. I’ll overlook your spelling mistakes and periods in between words, I know you’re doing your best, clumsy thumbs. The search engine is a friend, so he takes his sweet time opening up his wealth of knowledge to you. He knows this is a duel of desire.
You find a link and think you’ve done it—that you’ve successfully pierced my skin—but no. This website has a paywall too. I relish your devilish smirk falling. If this were a chess match, I’d say, “Check,” but this is so much more. This is lust.
I can hear your groans from my solitude. They only make me stronger. I am gaining power with every furrowed brow and anxious tap. The tension is unbearable.
You think a private browser is going to stop me, really? Think again. All I have to do is call in a few favors, and bam: “You’ve used up all your free articles.” That’s right, baby, your IP address isn’t secret. Not like I am to you.
Your anger is palpable. It fuels me. You text a friend, asking them to send you a downloaded PDF version of my oolong article. For free? Yeah, right. As if I hadn’t thought that far ahead. You forget I know you better than you know yourself. After a solid four minutes of trying, they text back, “Sorry, man, the download button is being weird.”
My exuberance is unmatched. You thought you had me. Sure, put your phone away. I’ll wait. The anticipation is the best part.
I know when you brew your second cup. I’m listening for the whistle of your kettle. That’s when it’s time to strike. I send a push notification, and this time, I give you a little taste: “Ten Ways Oolong Tea Is Harming Our Health.”
You click. Quantifying always makes you weak. You’ve forgotten about our dance this morning. I know you thought, “If it’s a big enough story, surely I’ll see it on other platforms, right?” Wrong.
Sorry, Daddy, This Article Is Only Available to Apple News+ Subscribers. Sign up for a free trial.
I have you now. I see you opening your calendar app and making an event seven days from now to cancel your Apple News+ subscription. You toggle on reminders. I toggle them right off.
You head back to the search page, where you first saw my headline, but I’m gone. Vanished. You stare, stunned. You pull down your lock screen. Surely, the push notification is still there… It’s not.
You search for Apple News, forgetting that I aggregate from everywhere, not just Apple News+. You scroll for what feels like three hours because it has been. I’ll never show you my secrets; there’s no obvious way to search. You overlook the “following” tab, just like I’ve planned. Finally, you notice the News+ stories and frantically switch over, tickling me for the first time.
My breath is labored, you’re close… but oolong is this morning’s news, and it’s buried so deep you don’t stand a chance. Your daughter calls out, “Daddy, why are you always on your phone?” You glance up, catching sight of your bloodshot eyes in the kitchen window’s reflection. It’s been seven days. You put the phone face down and take a deep breath.
You pay $12.99 a month for the next eighteen months.
