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This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Trina Read, a sexologist and cohost of the Sensational Sex podcast. It has been edited for length and clarity.
When people learn that I'm a sexologist, they think that I'm an expert in talking to my kids about sex. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If I'm talking to clients about their sex lives, there's distance and objectivity. When I'm talking with my sons, who are 15 and 17, that goes out the window.
Still, I know I have an advantage over many parents. I'm lucky that my sons and I have had ongoing conversations about sexuality and sex for years. Some of those talks have made me squirm, but I'm glad we can have them. Here are the tips I've used to keep the conversations flowing.
Almost every time my kids bring up something they need to discuss, my attention is focused elsewhere, like on work or my long to-do list. My first response, internally, is usually, "You want to talk about this now?!"
But I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter how uncomfortable or inconvenienced I feel. When your child brings something up, you have to compartmentalize everything else and meet them where they are. If you delay the conversation the moment might be gone, and next time they might not be brave enough to ask.
Each day, I take a 20-minute drive with the boys to school. Over time, the car has become our safe place to talk about tough topics, including sex. My sons know what's talked about in the car stays in the car, so they feel safe to ask me anything and everything.
The car is a great place for difficult talks since there's no need for eye contact, and no one can get up and leave. However, your safe space might be on a walk, at home, or while doing an activity you both enjoy. The key is to find out what works for you and your kids.
Oftentimes, it's just me and the boys in the car. They might tell me something that they're not comfortable telling my husband. I have to respect their wishes, even if it sometimes means keeping secrets from their dad. I don't like that dynamic, and it feels like a heavy weight, but the trust my sons have in me is worth it.
One of my kids is a very analytical thinker, who likes data, research, and methodical conversation. The other is a free spirit who isn't afraid to take a deep dive into any topic. Because of that, they need two very different approaches to talking about sex.
For my analytical child, I might leave books about certain topics in his room, and then broach conversations about them later. My free spirit, on the other hand, will shut down a conversation if I try to start one. I have to wait for him to bring it up, then we can go deep.
Find the approach that's best for your child, and remember that siblings might need entirely different tactics. Give information in a way that's comfortable for them, even if that's not the most comfortable for you.
As parents we feel a lot of pressure to impart knowledge to kids before they start being influenced by their peers, the internet, and other social forces. Because of that, I sometimes found myself rambling. Over time, I learned to say less, which seems to keep my sons more informed and engaged. Now I just say what needs to be said, then stop.
At one point, my sons were asking questions that I felt were beyond their maturity level. I said, "I could tell you the answer, but I don't think you're ready for the answer." They continued to ask and beg, so I told them, to some awkwardness and embarrassment for both of us.
Now, when I say something is beyond their maturity, the boys consider truly consider that response. One of my sons usually decides to hold off on the conversation, while the other prefers to still get the information in an age-appropriate way.
Sometimes my sons have misconceptions, shame, or guilt around sex and sexuality. It's incredibly frustrating as a mom who's worked really hard to not pass guilt or shame, and to make them well-informed about sex.
When this happens I try to clarify with facts, research, and information. But to be honest, it doesn't always work. That can be disheartening, but I'm glad to be able to engage in on-going conversations with them.
