DEAR MISS MANNERS: My siblings and I (all of us in our 40s and 50s) have had a strained relationship over the past few years, for various reasons.
Last year, my youngest sister told us all via email that she would still make an effort to come to family gatherings, but that we would not see her son or her husband.
Shortly after that, she asked that we no longer communicate with her or her family. I understood that they needed to do what is best for them, and have had no contact with them since that time.
Imagine my surprise when I just opened an invitation to her son’s wedding, with the RSVP addressed to her. My siblings also received invitations.
While I would love to see my nephew on his wedding day, I do not want to get my hopes up for a rekindled family relationship, as that still appears out of the question.
Perhaps the invitation was sent as a sort of olive branch, but the lack of any additional communication makes me question that. Or it could have been sent as a courtesy, with no expectation for us to attend.
How do I tactfully reach out to my sister and express my concerns without driving a further wedge in the relationship?
GENTLE READER: There is an etiquette for everything, which includes severing relations.
Last year, your sister seems to have been empowered to speak on behalf of her son. That may no longer be the case. Although the unexpected wedding invitation confuses matters, Miss Manners assumes that it is not technically from your sister — that the hosts are probably either the bride’s parents or your nephew and his fiancee.
Still, it is a communication involving her family, which she cannot reasonably expect you to ignore.
If you do hope this is an olive branch, then the way to approach it is to write to your sister first, telling her that you received an invitation and that you plan to accept it. This way, if she means to do something horrid — like rescind the invitation — you will get notice before you send the formal acceptance.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who talks about plans she and I have together in front of others who are not invited. She also tells people they can’t sit with us at lunch, because she wants her handpicked group at the table.
I know that correcting her manners would be rude. Do you have a suggestion of how to let her know I don’t want to be a party to this without being rude myself?
GENTLE READER: You cannot correct her directly, but as you are duty-bound to avoid being party to her rudeness, she will learn.
The discussions of future plans should be silenced by changing the subject — gently, if possible. “Let’s talk about it later” should suffice.
Miss Manners recognizes that contradicting her in-the-moment seating decrees will be more difficult. As holding seats is not unreasonable in all circumstances, you will have to judge when to countermand her and when it will be preferable to arrive late yourself.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
