CONSPIRACY theorists are having a field day with the Sussexes’ “happy holiday” (ugh) card that gives a rare glimpse at how Meghan and Harry’s children have grown.
They say the digital image is AI generated, the children’s proportions are all out of whack and the family dog appears to be levitating.
Whatever. I was more intrigued by the fact that Archie and Lilibet are running into the arms of their parents as if they haven’t seen them for eons.
It is reminiscent of the famous photo when, arms outstretched, Princess Diana greeted her boys on the deck of the Royal Yacht Britannia in 1991 when they joined her and Charles on an official visit to Canada.
Then again, given the Sussexes’ fondness for staged schmaltz, perhaps that was the intention all along.
However, one wonders how long the scaffolding of “our perfect life” can continue to prop up the “Archewell” basket into which all their eggs appear to have been placed.
There’s the worthy “Foundation” side, along with the less altruistic “Productions” arm through which, one assumes, they hope to continue funding their hugely expensive lifestyle.
But — and it is a big but — everything they touch commercially appears to be struggling. Or “flopping” as US liberal bible The Cut described it last week. Ouch.
It is quite an about turn for the publication that, just two years ago, ran a glowing, 6,000-word interview with Meghan which was dismissed by critics as “vanity PR”.
Its latest article cites Polo — Archewell Production’s series for Netflix about the elite sport — as the latest salvo in the couple’s “tortured attempts to launch a successful Stateside endeavour”.
It mentions the “horrific reviews” and, separately, brand experts say it could be the nail in the coffin for their Netflix deal if it fails to attract big viewer numbers.
Meaning they will have to find other ways to fund what one property guru estimates is the “hundreds of thousands per year” running costs of their Montecito mansion, not to mention the legal bills for Harry’s various ongoing court battles.
Meghan would have to sell millions of her snappily titled American Riviera Orchard jams to cover it.
So, despite the couple’s carefully curated photos of charitable endeavours and beaming smiles, one wonders what a fly on the wall of their luxurious home might be witnessing when the cameras are switched off.
The pressure to prove they can thrive financially following their decision to leave the Royal Family must be immense and, if it’s not causing some marital dissent, it would be a Christmas miracle.
THE knee-jerk reaction to the latest Prince Andrew scandal is, what could this royal buffoon possibly know that would be of any use to a Chinese spy?
The opening times of Pizza Express, Woking, perhaps? The medical function of eccrine sweat glands?
But according to those in the know, it’s all about the connections he unwittingly facilitates by inviting Uncle Tom Cobley and all to Buckingham Palace.
Remember the photo of a smug Jeffrey Epstein and his fixer Ghislaine Maxwell sitting on the porch of the Queen’s residence at Balmoral at Andrew’s invitation?
Or Ghislaine and Kevin Spacey sitting on thrones at Buckingham Palace?
Their seats at the heart of power were gifted by the useful idiot with the deadly combo of being a man with a giant ego but without portfolio.
Making him a prime target for Yang Tengbo to blow smoke up his royal derriere to secure an invite to the heart of British establishment.
The grand old Duke of York, eh? The legend of futility continues apace.
THE Gallagher brothers have never been backward in coming forward with forthright opinions.
So brace yourselves for their reaction to the latest edition of Heat magazine and its famous Stars Dress Up festive feature.
For there, alongside Vicky Pattison posing as Taylor Swift, are Jedward – aka twins John and Edward Grimes – posing as, er, Noel and Liam.
Says Edward: “I’m overwhelmed. I feel like I’m in Oasis. They’ve taken over my body.”
They look more like the Kray Twins to me. Either way, it’s criminal.
FOLLOWING the 13-week suspended sentence meted out to the woman who threw milkshake in his face, Nigel Farage fumes: “We now live in a country where you can assault a Member of Parliament and not go to prison.”
He has a point.
Although the maximum sentence for assault by beating is 26 weeks in prison, 25-year-old OnlyFans “model” Victoria Thomas Bowen – who showed no remorse for her actions – walked free from Westminster Magistrates’ Court because the judge said there was no lasting physical injury.
But surely the point is to send the message loud and clear that any attack on a politician (be it milkshake or otherwise) is an attack on democracy.
And failing to do so will only give the green light to others incapable of robust debate to resort to such base actions.
LORD Evans of Weardale – a former head of MI5 – has been tasked with finding the new Archbishop of Canterbury.
No one can apply; they must be approached to enter the recruitment process.
May I suggest that Lord Evans starts by extending an invitation to my I’m A Celebrity campmate, the Reverend Richard Coles?
Formerly of 80s band The Communards, Richard was ordained as a Church of England priest in 2005 and, in 2022, was vicar of Finedon in Northants when he announced his retirement from parish duties, due to the church allegedly increasingly excluding gay couples, and what he described as its “conservative, punchy and fundamentalist” direction.
In the jungle, both with his fellow campmates and the TV audience, he gained popularity by showing himself to be open-minded, inclusive, funny and approachable – all underpinned with good values.
The Church of England is suffering from a collapse of church attendance, particularly among the younger generation that could guarantee its future.
So it should modernise, fast.
When I exited the jungle, a friend’s daughter texted me: “The Reverend is so cool. If the vicar in our village was like him, I’d go to church daily.”
Praise indeed.
And better still, if he replaces the exiting Justin Welby, we can have the IAC reunion party at Lambeth Palace.
A TONGUE-in-cheek article in the Christmas edition of the British Medical Journal has listed all the potential health risks associated with being a Disney Princess.
Cinderella? Prolonged exposure to dust could lead to lung disease.
Pocahontas? That cliff jump would cause a “symphony of fractures”.
Belle? At risk of rabies from close contact with the Beast, right. Aurora?
Likely obesity, stroke and bed sores.
Rapunzel, Mulan, Snow White and Jasmine get honorary mentions too, but curiously, no Ariel.
In which case, let me oblige. Having spent most of her life underwater, she would undoubtedly be liable to fungal and bacterial infections and suffer from open sores.
But, hey, kiddies, don’t let this ruin your enjoyment of these classic films.
