Once again, it’s that magical time of year when we gather with loved ones in anticipation of the joy that Christmas Day will bring. Maybe you’ve got a fire going to stay cozy, maybe you’re firing up a ridiculous Netflix Christmas movie — however you’re celebrating, please allow me to guess one thing: There’s a good chance that you’re secretly horny as hell. Let’s face it, cooped up in the cold with annoying family members, Santa Claus himself can start to look like a stud depending on the amount of eggnog you drink.
But there’s no shame in finding some sex appeal in Jolly Old Saint Nick. After all, he’s a low-commitment fling (shows up only once a year), has a hint of danger to him (sneaks into your house), is thoughtful and generous (brings gifts), has his own private jet (okay, technically it’s a sleigh), and loves cookies. He’s perfect. And while he’s technically married, that just makes the whole thing even more illicit.
Luckily, there are Sexy Santas throughout pop culture for those with the eyes to see (i.e., the desperately horny). But not all of them are created equal. For this very serious, very thirsty ranking, we’re only considering actual Santa Clauses. No Santas-adjacent, like Billy Bob Thornton’s sexy sleaze-bag mall Santa in Bad Santa (2003) or Jack Black in Dear Santa (2024), as he’s technically playing Satan. With this arbitrary rule set, let’s go, my fellow ho, ho, hos.
Tom Hanks as Santa from The Polar Express (2004)
Robert Zemeckis’s motion-capture movie is impossibly treacly, even by Christmas standards, but with time, it’s also become something else: terrifying. Thanks to animation that never quite makes it out of the uncanny valley, Hanks’s Santa doesn’t come across as warm and fuzzy; he comes across as a haunting, AI-like creature who talks like he’s had a stroke. This Santa has all the sexual appeal of the badly rendered figures from The Sims who you used to make WooHoo when you were a teenager. Not sexy!
Tim Allen as Santa from The Santa Clause franchise
Let’s put aside the fact that Allen covered himself in prosthetics and a fat suit to play Saint Nick in the 1994 original movie. Let’s also try to ignore the blatant and icky cash-grabbing that Allen displayed in returning for not one but two movie sequels, plus a 2023 Disney+ TV series. For me, there’s simply no getting past Allen’s politics. There is no damn way that Santa is a conservative. His job is literally to give handouts! Plus David Krumholtz is right there.
Tie: Mickey Rooney as Kris Kringle/Santa Claus from Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town (1970) and Stan Francis as Santa Claus in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964)
There’s not much to say about the two Santas from these classic holiday movies except they look pretty similar, which shouldn’t be surprising given both movies relied on the stop-motion animation process known as “Animagic.” Both Santas are kind of bulbous and they clearly look like little puppets for children, which isn’t very sexy — even with an active imagination. Plus, you know the sex would take forever given they would have to stop and be reset each second.
Lil Rel Howery as Nick in Dashing Through the Snow (2023)
Although Howery undoubtedly has some serious rizz in real life, his Santa in this Disney+ movie that I’m sure you had no idea existed (Ludacris is in it?!) sports some very unfortunate facial hair. Howery’s Santa says that in order to look younger he dyed his white beard half-black, but the result looks perpetually like he’s wearing a scarf of cotton wool around his neck. We can do better!
Paul Giamatti as Nick/Santa Claus in Fred Claus (2007)
Even in the era of Giamatti’s career when he appeared in some truly ridiculous children’s entertainment, his characters had a moodiness that can be quite sexy. Still, his Santa is perhaps a little too authentic here. His hair is a frazzled mess, his nose is perpetually red and blistered (windchill, I expect, from the sleigh), and he is battling acid reflux and sleep apnea. And although owning a CPAP machine is one of the hallmarks of gay bear culture, I think he was set up to fail in this movie given that his hotter brother is played by Vince Vaughn.
Edmund Gwenn as Kris Kringle from Miracle on 34th Street (1947)
Another arbitrary rule that I set for this list is that I only wanted to include one version of this classic Old Hollywood movie, which was remade about four times (two of which were just short TV specials). Sebastian Cabot looked too much like an old fisherman in the 1973 movie version, while Richard Attenborough in the 1994 film reminds me of everyone’s grandfather (even if you know he would “spare no expense” while wooing you). That leaves Gwenn, the original and, for my money, the hottest. He definitely has the best beard of the bunch.
Danny Glover as Santa Claus in The Naughty Nine (2023)
This is another Disney movie from last year that probably escaped you (unless you’re the 7-year-old audience it was targeting), and I must confess I haven’t actually seen it. Still, in the brief snippet we get of Glover in the trailer he speaks in a delicious baritone. Plus, in most of the photos from this movie, Glover looks impossibly bored, as if he’d rather be doing anything else. And, after all, what is hotter than when a man shows no interest in you?
Ed Asner as Santa Claus in Elf (2003)
Maybe it’s just because Will Ferrell is so good at playing a very unsexy and childlike “elf” figure (he’s not technically an elf), but Asner as Santa actually comes across as somewhat sexy in this classic movie, at least in comparison. In my books, he’s probably the sexiest of the “traditional” old Santas that we’re used to; he’s got a gruff voice, street smarts, and some fashionable half-moon spectacles that you just know will look good on the bedside table.
The animated Santa Claus from the decades of Coca-Cola ads
Ok, so maybe we’re getting a little outside the box in terms of horniness here, but Coke basically invented Santa as we know him today, and it’s hard to turn down sleeping with a celebrity. The many versions of this Santa tend to have very flushed cheeks, which make you think he’s either blushing (cute!) or that he might be spiking his Coke with something stronger (hot!). Pour me one too, Santa.
Brent Bailey as Kris K. in the 2024 Target advertisements
You might be surprised that this recent Santa isn’t number one on this list, but he breaks the mold just a little too much. Plus, I didn’t want to appear basic. The other characters in these ads can’t quite get over how “weirdly hot” Kris looks dressed in his snug Target uniform (with butt-hugging beige chinos), sporting salt-and-pepper hair, and bicep-curling Christmas trees. This Santa is more jacked than jolly, but we’re definitely not complaining. Kris K. may not be in the top spot, but he can definitely top — [my keyboard is yanked out of my hands by my editor].
Alec Baldwin as Nicholas St. North from Rise of the Guardians (2012) and J.K. Simmons as Klaus from Klaus (2019)
Some little girls and little gay boys had their sexual awakenings thanks to Disney characters like Prince Eric, Ariel’s love interest The Little Mermaid (1989). But others had theirs thanks to her dad, King Triton. And these two Santas definitely fall into the latter category. They’re both impossibly brawny; have dark, bushy eyebrows; sport big, manly noses; and boast long white beards that you want to get lost in. If I had to pick one, I’d probably go with Simmons’ Klaus over Nicholas St. North, just due to the Alec Baldwin of it all.
Kurt Russell as Santa Claus in The Christmas Chronicles (2018)
Okay, yes, there’s a 2020 sequel to this Netflix movie, which is something I held against Tim Allen for The Santa Clause, but this wouldn’t be Netflix if they didn’t squeeze every last drop out of its IP. I’m not too mad, though, because Russell’s Santa has a tremendous mane of windswept gray tresses, a Herculean frame, and is married to Goldie Hawn. Unlike some of our other Santas, it’s also evident he grooms his beard thanks to its perfectly styled curls. A generous man who takes care of himself? Sign me up.
David Harbour as Santa from Violent Night (2022)
We’ve arrived at the, well, climax of our Christmas adventure, and who better to spread joy and legs than the hunky bear police chief from Stranger Things? Harbour’s Santa isn’t as pretty as Russell’s, but damn if he’s not sexy as hell as he swings a sledgehammer against a murderous band of thieves who’ve taken a wealthy family hostage on Christmas Eve. He drinks, he swears, he blows people up. He’s like if Bad Santa were Good Santa, and also Hot Santa. Need more convincing? Just look at this poster where they have a bloodied Harbour sitting on a chimney with his legs wide open like the thot that he is. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night, because I’m going to bed now with this Santa.
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