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Karen Lauer's husband died without a will. On top of the grief of losing the person she loved, Lauer's finances were thrown into chaos.
She's one of many older widows and widowers who have shared their stories with Business Insider in recent months. They're among the more than 2,000 Americans who've responded to a reader survey about their life regrets. This story is part of an ongoing series.
Some widows told BI they lost substantial amounts of their household income or were thrust into complex legal battles for their spouse's assets.
Others regret not outlining a will, skipping a life-insurance policy, or not building savings before their spouse's death: "Having been widowed twice and left with three girls to raise alone, I wish I would've saved money for my retirement years," one survey respondent wrote.
"I hate living without my husband — I needed to prepare for widowhood while making the most of our last years together," another said.
For Lauer, sorting through the pieces of her husband's estate has been painful.
"Because we didn't have a will, I feel like I'm going through a divorce between my dead husband and myself," Lauer said.
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Lauer, 64, smiles thinking about the man nicknamed "Cowboy Steve." She pictures him cantering on his horse at their ranch in western Nebraska, gathering a thin layer of dust on his leather boots.
Her husband died following an accident last year. Without a will, she said the local court told her that all of her husband's money and assets would go into probate, a legal process used to divide a deceased person's estate, typically among their blood relatives. Lauer said because the ranch was in Steve's name, not hers, she was required to move off the ranch during the process so the house could be sold. She said she's now experiencing homelessness.
She's house-sitting for a friend in Lincoln, Nebraska, but doesn't know where she'll live next. With limited savings of her own, Lauer said she's surviving on less than $2,000 in monthly Social Security payments. She said it's not enough to cover essentials or rent her own apartment.
Lauer's financial experience mirrors that of others. In fact, on average, widows have lower 401(k) balances, less savings, and a more limited monthly retirement income than married retirees, BI found in an analysis of individual-level data from the Census Bureau's 2023 Survey of Income and Program Participation.
The average monthly income of widowed retirees is higher than that of divorced retirees and retirees who never married. But at an average of $2,381 monthly, their income is still several hundred dollars lower than that of married retirees with a surviving spouse. The analysis looked at retirees' income from pensions, Social Security, retirement accounts, or insurance benefits.
Doug Ornstein, the director of wealth management at TIAA, told BI that losing a spouse could have "devastating" financial impacts.
"If the person who handled most of the money passes away unexpectedly or early, the surviving spouse might not have financial literacy," he said. "Or maybe the couple undersaved for retirement — that person has to figure it out themselves."
A report published in June by the financial firm Thrivent found that less than half of widowed women feel prepared to manage their finances after a spouse's death. Twenty-nine percent of women surveyed said they created a will with their spouse, while 41% said they had no financial plan before their spouse's death. The firm surveyed a national sample of 422 female widows in May 2024.
Lauer wishes her "marriage license came with instructions," she said. Steve died unexpectedly, and Lauer said she didn't have enough knowledge about the probate and asset-division process, or how it would affect her livelihood as the surviving spouse. She advises other married people to write a will and make a financial plan as soon as possible.
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Ornstein said there are a few key ways that Americans can financially protect themselves if their spouse dies.
The first step is creating a will and having regular conversations about finances as a couple. A life-insurance policy — which people can buy or opt in to through their employer — can provide further financial security to a deceased person's family after their death. Typically, people pay a regular premium for the insurance throughout their career and can name a spouse or children as their beneficiaries.
Ornstein told BI that widows and widowers should work with an estate-planning attorney, financial advisor, and tax professional directly after their spouse dies. He added that, when preparing for those meetings, it's best to collect as many legal and financial documents as possible: a death certificate, a marriage license, bank statements, tax returns, benefits paperwork, insurance policies, and a will.
With an attorney and financial advisor, widows and widowers should apply — or reapply — for benefits such as Social Security and pensions, Ornstein said. They may be entitled to spousal benefits or higher monthly government aid. He added that a surviving spouse would likely have to transfer ownership of assets like a house, credit card, retirement account, or loan to themself or another family member.
"Take things one step at a time," he said in a follow-up email. "It's normal to feel stressed, overwhelmed, and anxious in this situation."
Still, not all widows or widowers have regrets about their money habits, even if they're in a precarious financial position.
Looking back on his 48 years of marriage, Robert Berkeley feels good about how he spent his money. He and his wife, Lourdes, spent decades traveling, dining at their favorite restaurants, and hosting big family holiday gatherings in their eastern North Carolina home. After their respective careers as an intelligence analyst and a dental hygienist, the couple decided to retire in their 60s — living largely on their monthly Social Security checks and the few thousand dollars they had saved.
Twelve years later, in 2022, Lourdes was diagnosed with cancer. The disease was aggressive, and she died within a couple of months.
Now 78, Berkeley is struggling to make ends meet. He and his wife didn't have a life-insurance policy or robust savings. He said it's been difficult to afford housing, utilities, groceries, and transportation without two Social Security incomes. Berkeley receives a $1,650 monthly payment, but he's in debt and behind on bills. He's hoping the part-time security guard job he landed recently will help fill the gaps.
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Despite his limited budget, Berkeley feels at peace with past spending habits: "We decided to live our life in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, right up to hitting our early 70s," he said. "We weren't the kind to squirrel money away for something that might happen in the future."
The couple lived — and spent — in the moment, he said. He may not have much wealth left as he ages, but Berkeley said it's worth it for the years he had and the memories he made with his "darling wife."
Are you struggling with finances after losing a spouse? Are you open to sharing your experience with a reporter? If so, reach out to allisonkelly@businessinsider.com.
