I have two wolves inside me: the one yearning for the ambitious, prickly kaleidoscope of several Bob Dylan depictions in Todd Haynes’s 2007 film I’m Not There, and now another that enjoys the satisfying, meat-and-potatoes retelling of a few specific years in Dylan’s life in James Mangold’s A Complete Unknown. But that’s the beauty of putting Bob Dylan on the screen: He’s an artist with so many contrasting eras that, whether you prefer your biopics as sincere, straightforward retellings of popular stories or fantastical metaphors representing any part of American history in the past six decades, there’s a Dylan for you.
But now that A Complete Unknown exists, I want a more grounded and condensed biopic treatment for some of the weirder and lesser-known stories and moments from Dylan’s life. His long career of peaks and valleys is fertile ground for any genre, director, or actor. While Hollywood remains stuck in IP prison, why not turn Bob Dylan’s life into an extended film universe?
The making of Tarantula
The Plot: Tarantula is a strange artifact, a stream-of-consciousness poetry collection published in 1971 and an unfiltered look into the mind of Dylan’s peak “Shakespeare on amphetamines” era (but without the discipline and craftsmanship of his songwriting). It’s a mess. But it’s a fascinating mess. Any director would have fun making sense of Dylan’s attempt at a druggy non-musical narrative, where the hero turns into a literal tarantula attempting to write the liner notes to Highway 61 Revisited. (This is the simplest way I can describe what this poetry is “about.”) A Mank-like behind-the-scenes exploration of an ambitious and beloved artist struggling to make a work of art would also be an interesting chance to humanize a time in Dylan lore in which everything he did was considered a masterpiece.
Who’s Directing? David Lynch, Charlie Kaufman, or Jordan Peele could pull off a script that honors Dylan’s most abstract imagery and, most crucially, its humor. Or Tim Burton can reunite with Henry Selick to channel their The Nightmare Before Christmas stop-motion charm.
Who’s Playing Dylan? David Cross played Allen Ginsberg in I’m Not There, and since Dylan wrote Tarantula in the spirit of Ginsberg’s poetry, why not keep Cross in the Bob Dylan extended universe to play the literal tarantula (who may or may not be Bob Dylan)?
The writing and recording of Blood on the Tracks
The Plot: The most compelling storyline from I’m Not There follows the strained relationship of Dylan and his ex-wife Sara Lownds, who divorced in the aftermath of the writing and recording of Dylan’s lovelorn 1975 masterpiece, Blood on the Tracks. Dylan denies that the album is autobiographical, while his son Jakob Dylan describes it as “my parents talking.” Either way, it’s time to stretch this story into an entire drama.
Who’s Directing? Bring back Noah Baumbach to make a ’70s folk-rock version of Marriage Story.
Who’s Playing Dylan? Adam Driver is still an ideal muse for Baumbach, but literally any Hollywood sad lad would do.
Delmonico Hotel, August 28, 1964
The Plot: Dylan’s summit with the Beatles in New York’s Delmonico Hotel in 1964 is well documented. This is where Dylan smoked pot with the Fab Four, allegedly the band’s first experience with marijuana. So let’s update Yellow Submarine for Disney+ and present a colorful animated journey following the Beatles and Bob Dylan being friends, exploring New York, and, you know, “hanging out.”
Who’s Directing? Brady Corbet.
Who’s Playing Dylan? Dylan could be voiced by anyone. The more important casting is to bring back Paul Rudd, Jack Black, Justin Long, and Jason Schwartzman to recreate the greatest Beatles moment in cinema.
Bob Dylan’s arrest for looking scruffy
This really happened! In 2009, Long Branch, New Jersey, police picked up the scruffy, 68-year-old Dylan for “acting suspiciously” (he was just out on a walk). When Dylan stated who he was, neither officer had heard of him, placing him in the back of their car and having to confirm his identity with the staff of a nearby hotel.
Who’s Directing? Tim Robinson. How is this not already an I Think You Should Leave sketch?
Who’s Playing Dylan? Imagine James Austin Johnson (who briefly appears in A Complete Unkown) as Dylan tweeting through his arrest.
The time Dylan sang to a class of unsuspecting kindergarteners and absolutely terrified them
The Plot: Generational trauma.
Who’s Directing? Robert Eggers.
Who’s Playing Dylan? Bill Skarsgård in his Nosferatu makeup.
Dylan’s born-again Christian trilogy
The Plot: Still the most confounding era of Dylan’s career is his late-’70s, early-’80s trilogy of Slow Train Coming, Saved, and Shot of Love, which leaned into Evangelical imagery following the Jewish-born Dylan’s very public conversion to Christianity. Musically, these albums have actually aged well. Yet at the time, Dylan’s heavy-handed lyrics and subject matters shocked and angered Dylan fans almost more than when he went electric at Newport ’65. This is juicy biopic material.
Who’s Directing? Easy: Just call up frequent Dylan collaborator Martin Scorsese to examine the story of an artist attempting to balance faith and commerce.
Who’s Playing Dylan? It might not seem obvious, but Scorsese could play it straight and cast Sound of Freedom’s Jim Caviezel, the Tom Cruise of modern Christian cinema, who could earnestly portray a pious Dylan, and whose casting would cause the same reactions that those religious Dylan albums caused decades ago.
Dylan’s 1984 Letterman performance
The Plot: Speaking of ’80s Dylan, there’s nothing rock critics love more than retweeting that decade’s holy document: a bizarre yet weirdly compelling Letterman performance in which Dylan hired a local band to help retool his 1984 single “Jokerman” from polite reggae AOR into … a rocking R.E.M. jam? I have so many questions. Did Dylan steal Keith Richards’s body double to be his guitarist? Did Dylan plan his awkward harmonica performance as avant-garde performance art? Was this the moment Dylan officially stole my grandma’s haircut? Does Letterman even like music? How was any of this allowed to happen? We must learn more.
Who’s Directing? Jason Reitman’s Saturday Night has its flaws, but the format of following the hour and a half leading up to and including this infamous show could be a perfect way in.
Who’s Playing Dylan? Keep the SNL connection and bring back Fred Armisen as Dylan and Jason Sudeikis as Letterman to channel their 2010 Larry King “Conan vs. Leno” sketch.
The Ballad of Soy Bomb
The Plot: Michael Portnoy, a.k.a. “Soy Bomb,” crashing Dylan’s 1998 Grammy performance is another well-documented incident — and could also benefit from exploring all the moments leading up to, and then the fallout from, a surreal viral TV moment. This is also an excuse to reintroduce or even reimagine the songs of Time Out of Mind — Dylan’s album that beat out Radiohead’s OK Computer to win the 1998 Grammy for Album of the Year — for a new generation.
Who’s Directing? Claire Denis.
Who’s Playing Dylan? Have Bill Hader play Dylan and Soy Bomb and Thom Yorke.
Dylan’s abandoned HBO slapstick comedy
The Plot: In the late ’90s, Dylan approached Seinfeld writer Larry Charles to help create a Jerry Lewis–like comedy TV series with surrealist elements pulled from Dylan’s lyrics — with Dylan acting as the star. HBO bought the project only for Dylan to immediately lose interest. Let’s now make that TV show happen. This pitch meeting could even be a Documentary Now! episode: Charles met Dylan in the back of a Santa Monica boxing gym owned by Dylan, whom Charles depicts as a sorcerer chugging ice coffee. You can listen to Charles retelling the full story on Pete Holmes’s podcast.
Who’s Directing? If Scott Aukerman isn’t already prepping his next season of U Talkin’ U2 to Me? to follow every single Bob Dylan album, this could be the next best thing.
Who’s Playing Dylan? Bob Dylan.
Related
