Since I'm an equal opportunity hater, I thought today was as good a time as any for Lauren to take a turn bemoaning Christmas. And for what it's worth, I wholeheartedly agree with her take. In fact, should it not be clear, I agree with any take that has to do with hating Christmas. Remember: Misery doesn't just love company. She deserves it. Enjoy!
I've always really fucking loved Christmas. Festive holiday parties are my favorite genre of parties; I am of the opinion that Jessica Simpson's ReJoyce: The Christmas Album is a masterpiece; and I believed in Santa Claus until I was 12...or 13. And you know what? With whatever the fuck is flying over the U.S. right now, who's to say he isn't real?! I respect and hold space for Jezebel staff writer Audra Heinrichs, who hates Christmas, but I could never relate.
Until now. Because this year? The vibes are bad: in the world, the country, and in New Jersey. (Though, I guess the vibes are never not bad in New Jersey. Ba dum tss.) I'm not sad, I'm just...annoyed and angry. I'm not in the mood to watch Love Actually or The Holiday, and if I have to hear "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings," I'll scream. And I don't mean my usual scream about the fact that the line is "his wings" and how there's no evidence to suggest angels have genders.
I also don't want to watch anything about Christmas love conquering all or the holiday spirit making people realize they should be nice to each other. I want to watch Keira Knightley shoot people as "Jingle Bells" plays in the background — which is essentially what she does in Black Doves, the new Netflix thriller about spies and assassins and government fuck-ups. I binged all six episodes in two days and it felt great to watch three world powers be corrupt and terrible at their jobs while a secret organization of women spies ensures a nuclear war didn't break out. (But there's also plenty of drama and backstabbing within that organization!) This all takes place in London during Christmas so yes, it's violent — but it's also festive.
So, to continue the 12 Days of Fuck This, on the 10th day before Christmas, I don't have a list of 10 things I hate; rather, I have a plea. For Hollywood. Please, please, make us 10 more Christmas-themed assassin shows and/or movies where the politicians are stupid and the people pulling the strings behind the scenes are actually a secret cabal of women. Knightley can star in all of them if she wants, but more importantly: I insist that Sarah Lancashire is cast in every single one.
Obviously there are some violent holiday movies like Violent Night, Die Hard, and, of course, Home Alone. But there's not nearly enough. And I'm not looking for more horror films or anything rated PG. I am specifically interested in spies, double agents, and countries fucking over other countries because their officials have the emotional intelligence and communication skills of a 12-year-old.
If anyone in the entertainment industry reads this... I have a lot of ideas for a U.S.-based Christmas assassin show. And if you see me out with a short, silver bob, don't ask questions, just know I am either manifesting or have already successfully manifested an exciting career change.
