FORT LIBERTY, N.C. — Following the announcement of President-elect Trump’s new Department of Government Efficiency, which will combat government inefficiency and waste under the leadership of Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, word has spread rapidly that the new department will need liaisons to the world's most efficient, streamlined, and lethal organization: the United States military.
“I couldn’t believe it when branch management reached out to me and told me they were looking for Army majors — specifically staff officers — to help with this new department under Elon!” said Major Richard Gillis, who has been a major for eleven years and currently serves as an assistant operations officer on a brigade staff at Fort Liberty.
According to sources in the White House who spoke on the condition of possible future book deals, Musk and Ramaswamy are seeking highly capable military personnel to support the new agency’s mission and bring military-grade efficiency to the often slow and bogged-down federal government.
“For years, my colleagues busted my chops for not getting a command,” said Gillis. “They said being a ‘staff weenie’ — their words, not mine — would limit my progress. Well, who’s laughing now?”
Before joining the brigade staff, Gillis was the assistant operations officer and then operations officer of an 82nd Airborne battalion. He has been recognized for developing several Excel spreadsheet “trackers” to assist with maintaining accountability for everything from annual projected ammunition usage and procurement to physical fitness and weight control for unit personnel and the relationship between tactical vehicle mileage and anticipated maintenance needs.
“Shit,” said retired Sgt. Maj. Theo Redding, Gillis’ former operations sergeant major. “That wazoo Excel tracker the major put together helped us turn Motor Pool Mondays into barely a 10-hour day. It was like magic or somethin’, hooah?”
Redding, a Virginia-based defense contractor, was one of the early hires for the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE). He hit the ground running by publishing a 732-slide PowerPoint presentation outlining critical elements of new efficiency methodologies.
Ramaswamy has already approved Redding’s plan to start the day with physical fitness training followed by a department-wide police call around the building and parking garage. Employees will be given an hour for breakfast and personal hygiene before reporting to the office for two to three morning sync meetings to ensure everyone is on the same page.
Early reports suggest the Department of Government Efficiency plans to tap close to 450 majors and senior NCOs from various military staffs, with some being TDY and others permanently assigned.
Still, building a brand-new organization from the ground up is not easy. Redding expressed frustration with the fledgling department's growing pains. DOGE leadership has had heated debates regarding a key element: the approved font for PowerPoint slide decks and departmental correspondence. Sources reported that at least one key manager stormed out of a meeting and slammed the door behind him.
“It’s freaking simple,” said Redding, “Arial is the god-danged standard! You can throw that woke Calibri boolshit in the god-danged burn pits with the books…I mean. Forget that last part. This is off the record, right?”
Paul J. O’Leary is a retired Army First Sergeant who enjoys recreational axe throwing and writing and survives on way more coffee and social media than he’d care to admit. He likes his coffee and his humor dark and he believes everyone is entitled to his opinion.
