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As a mom during the holiday season, I find myself busy and rushing to get everything done. The stockings have been hung, and the tree is trimmed. I'm getting a start on the cookies — and I'm also thinking about new rules.
My son is a college freshman and loves his new university so much that he didn't come home for Thanksgiving. That means when he arrives for winter break, it will be his first time in our house since mid-August. He's been on his own, adulting, for months now.
I imagine this first visit back home will be a readjustment for all of us because the rules of engagement have shifted. Here's how I plan to negotiate the holidays while welcoming him back to the nest.
When he was younger, we had rules in place that set parameters for our son. Our kid knew there would be consequences if he stayed out late without calling first or took the car without permission.
Mutual respect and expectations for healthy behavior were central to our family's fabric. We adopted this approach to keep him safe. It also allowed him to develop responsibility and a sense of independence.
This holiday season, we'll give him freedom here at home. Of course we will have expectations, but I'm hesitant to saddle him with previous restrictions now that he's living a new, adult life not under our roof. Trust is as meaningful in parent-adult relationships as it is in the parent-child relationship.
I'm committed to being flexible and won't micromanage my son's schedule during the holiday break. However, we do have a few mandatory, must-not-miss holiday commitments.
Aunts, uncles, and cousins are all coming in from out of town, so there are several gatherings on our family's holiday calendar. My son will be at each of them, and this is non-negotiable.
That said, we've let him know in advance that his attendance is required. He's fully aware of the days and times of our family get-togethers, and it allows him to manage his schedule as he sees fit. Another adulting opportunity!
I'm a journalist. It's my job to have lots of questions about everything. But I know for the next several weeks, I'm going to have to ease up on my curiosity about my son's new life. The last thing my kid will want to do is face a barrage of inquiries about his college experience, new friends, classes, or what he's up to in his free time.
I'll be dying to ask, but I'll do my best not to. I certainly wouldn't interrogate an adult that way, and that's what my son is now. Rather, I'll wait for him to drop info, tidbits, or details about these past few months away from home. I'll listen and not interject. And I'll limit my mom feedback or advice — unless he specifically asks for it.
I've never tracked my child's location through our phones, and I'm not about to start now that he's a full-fledged adult. What's more, I'm not going to wait up to make sure he sticks to curfew.
Because really, he doesn't have a curfew anymore. I expect him to use good judgment and keep himself safe. I won't watch the clock, wondering when he'll get home. All I'll expect is a quick knock on our bedroom door, so we know he made it back in one piece.
Finally, I'm well aware that other people are also anxiously waiting to see our son. His high school friends, who attend colleges all over the country, will also be in town and will want to get together. His schedule will likely be packed with reunions, visits, and hangs. While that means less time with his dad and me, I'm happy he'll reconnect with the people who've meant so much to him. I'm happy to share him, too.
Less time with us doesn't mean we're less important. Rather, his circle of loved ones has expanded. Knowing that is one of the greatest gifts the mom of a college kid can receive during the holidays.
