The offers and details on this page may have updated or changed since the time of publication. See our article on Business Insider for current information.
Affiliate links for the products on this page are from partners that compensate us and terms apply to offers listed (see our advertiser disclosure with our list of partners for more details). However, our opinions are our own. See how we rate products and services to help you make smart decisions with your money.
RgStudio/Getty Images
Dear For Love & Money,
We've taught our son good financial habits since he started his lawn-mowing business at 11. While we always let him keep some of his earnings to spend, we made him put a lot of it toward a college savings account we administered.
Over the years, however, as he became more responsible, we gradually put him completely in charge of his finances. He proved himself capable of making wise choices and saving most of his earnings.
That was until he began dating someone about six months ago. His girlfriend comes from a family with little fiscal responsibility and traditional views on the male role in relationships. They expect my son to pay for everything and spoil their daughter.
He thinks he's in love and seems as obsessed with her family's carefree lifestyle as he is with her. He takes her to expensive dinners and buys her every high-dollar item she wants. At first, he only used his monthly income, which was bad enough since it meant he was no longer saving, but now he's dipping into his college fund. When I ask about it, he says he'll just take out loans for school like his girlfriend plans to.
I've tried talking to my son about the consequences of his actions, but he brushes me off with comparisons to his girlfriend's family that, from a 17-year-old's perspective, is doing just fine despite their spendy lifestyle.
How can I help my son reclaim his finances without making him feel like I'm attacking his relationship?
Sincerely,
Raised to Know Better
Dear Raised,
The struggle you describe in your letter is a natural part of parenting kids who are growing up. As hopeless as you might feel right now, you can manage the situation by remembering that he's testing the styles he's been taught against those he's offered to see what suits him.
The best thing you can do is honor his process and take him seriously. This must start with his relationship. You said your son "thinks he's in love," but at 17 years old, there's no thinking about it. If he says he's in love, you must believe him and treat his relationship with respect.
As inappropriate as you and I may find this old-fashioned approach, there's a good chance his girlfriend's parents see this as a sign of his maturity — and that he appreciates being seen this way.
Try to offer your son the same validation in your own guidance. Sure, your son and his girlfriend will likely break up within the year, but he may not see it that way. When you give him financial advice and talk about his future, include his girlfriend as if you expect she'll still be around.
If he feels you understand his goals, he's likelier to listen to sound strategies for reaching them. Or, he may hear you referring to his future in this fixed, adult way and feel overwhelmed and rethink those goals. Either way, you have reasserted your influence in his planning simply by believing him.
You say your son is attracted to his girlfriend's parents' carefree lifestyle. Make sure you highlight how your lifestyle is just as appealing, even if talking about your finances is outside your comfort zone. Ensure your son knows the rewards on the other side of the skills you've taught him. Talk with enthusiasm about how well you've set yourself up for retirement.
Even if it's hard financial hits, vocalize how you're weathering it: "This is why we pay for travel insurance!" Or, "This is where our emergency fund comes in clutch." As seductive as your son may find designer homes and four-wheeled Christmas gifts, when he learns that the security he's enjoyed his entire life is due to your financial planning, make no mistake, he will reconnect with the values you've taught him and never look back.
You set your son up as an entrepreneur, and you were right to give him autonomy over his finances gradually, but that doesn't mean his lessons in financial literacy are over. Teach him about investing and growing his wealth.
If you feel uncomfortable doing this yourself, take a course together. Not only will this help him financially, but it will also allow you to bond over a shared interest and open a dialogue that will make it easier for you to share your thoughts on uncomfortable topics like money and gender roles without making it seem like you're lecturing him or attacking his girlfriend.
I know you're scared your son will blow all his college savings, but remember that no matter how much he managed to save in the last six years, it isn't nearly as valuable as the skills you taught him. Even if he burns his money in a year, he'll learn the finite nature of savings. He'll also discover that his parents knew what they were talking about after all — a lesson he will carry well past college.
Your season as the parent who creates and enforces your kid's lifestyle is ending, but your season as a trusted mentor and friend is only beginning. Enjoy it.
Rooting for you,
For Love & Money
Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.
