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Zenith Richards
Couples should talk openly about money, regularly review their finances, and recognize that earning an income is just one of many ways to contribute to a relationship, Esther Perel says.
The famed psychotherapist is known for speaking nine languages, hosting the "Where Should We Begin" podcast, and writing "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence."
She spoke to Emily Luk, the cofounder and CEO of Plenty, a financial management platform for couples, in an episode of the "Love & other assets" podcast released Thursday.
Perel laid out how money shapes everything from people's values and identities to the power dynamics in their relationships. It can be "one of the biggest stressors" in any relationship, she said, but couples who manage financial issues well can escape that pain.
Here are the three big takeaways from her conversation.
Couples should openly discuss money matters from the outset, Perel said.
"Money is an inherent piece of what the making of a relationship will involve," she said. "It's important, but it doesn't have to be precious, hidden, taboo, queasy. Like any other topic, if you start from the beginning, then it's integrated in the system."
Perel underscored that relationships are both romantic and practical, encompassing love and trust as well as partnership and economic support. Money is a core part of that and financial decisions are inevitable, she said.
"This is about the present, the past, the future, the legacy, what people left behind, what they never left behind, what they had, what they lost," she said. "It's not just how much do you make and what do you want to do with it. "
Money can shape the power dynamic in a couple, but Perel said that's "not a dirty word for me" as all relationships have one. Couples with a healthy attitude toward money can "bring it up and talk about it" without becoming defensive and throwing blame around, she said.
Just as you might ask a prospective partner if they want kids, you should ask them about their feelings around money too, the relationship guru said.
She recommended asking them how important it is to them to earn money, what the money culture was in their family, how much money they ultimately want to make, and how they've navigated any major financial shifts in their lives.
Even when one partner trusts the other to manage their money, that partner should still occasionally check in on their joint finances, Perel said.
Once a year, they should "sit down and have a sense of what's what," she said. "I've met too many people who, when things became problematic, didn't have a clue and it didn't bode well for them. Don't put yourself in that kind of vulnerable position."
Many couples divide roles, but "it's good to not be completely ignorant on some things that have such a direct effect on you," she added.
The psychotherapist and author gave another reason for an annual check-in: a couple's financial situation changes over time, whether a costly health issue crops up, inheritance is paid out, or shares in a company vest.
"Money is not a static thing, and the relationship needs to be flexible around that," Perel said, adding that "the conversation around money needs to evolve as the relationship evolves."
Just as a couple might plan home improvements and vacations, "once a year you should sit with your finances and say, 'Where are we at?" Perel said. "And not, 'what do we have?' but, 'how are we managing relationally? What would you like to change in the way we've been managing the money?' Why, just asking that question to your partner will go a long way."
Perel told Luk about the moment her thinking completely changed around what it means to provide and contribute to a relationship.
An artist told her they'd renovated their home by themselves, raising the property's value and the couple's quality of life by improving the room layout. It would have cost a year's salary to get the project completed externally, Perel said.
The episode made her appreciate the myriad ways that members of a couple can generate value in a relationship besides a paycheck, ranging from DIY to raising children.
"Money is not a thing around which people talk with subtlety," she said about opening client's eyes to non-monetary contributions. "So I had to find other ways to suddenly shift and say, 'Have you ever looked at it this way,' and do a whole reframe."
"So this idea that there's a single household provider — that whole language I began to dismantle so that we could really talk about the power dynamic and the money and what they can afford and who decides and who is really bringing in and providing is a totally different story than just income bracket."
